Friday, August 31, 2012

Mortensen's Ice Cream

August 31, 2012

I have a long weekend with no call! The last weekend of the summer. I hope I can concentrate on the positive instead of thinking of how the man I trusted with my life betrayed me. I can always turn to ice cream to soothe my soul.

This week Hilary and I went to Mortensen's for lunch and ice cream. There are two. One in Cromwell and one in Newington on the Berlin Turnpike. It is very much like a Friendly's but family run. It is in an unassuming building, somewhere I would never have stopped at in the past

We had a delicious lunch. Veggie burger and tuna melt. And homemade cole slaw. The hot dogs looked great! And the milk shakes!!! Wish I could have tried a little of everything. The ice cream was nothing special but the whole experience was fun. Having lunch with my daughter, trying a new ice cream place and shopping at a Marshalls we had never been to in Wethersfield made the day special.

Here's to the final summer weekend of 2012. To everyone who is going through a difficult time, get out in the sun and try to enjoy yourself. Start out slow if you have to, one step at a time.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Counting Sheep

August 30, 2012

Last night I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Since I've been trying to do without my friend, Ambien, that has sometimes been happening. But this was that "wide awake" wake up. When you know you are not going to fall back to sleep easily. When you start to think of something obsessively. So what was I stuck on last night? I somehow remembered the night Dave told me that sometimes he would meet the Kurwa (polish) in New York. She would go there as part of her job and the State of New York would pay for her room. Or so he told me.

So, how do I get one of those nursing jobs? My job usually requires me to be on my feet all day. On really busy days I am lucky to be able to go to the bathroom. It would be wonderful to have a job where I could be "put up" in the city and then have sex with someone in a room paid for by my employer. But alas. I was busy raising my family and didn't have time to pursue my Masters degree. In truth I wasn't interested in an advanced degree. But it sure would have come in useful now. I suppose there is still time. 

I could still attend UMASS Amherst or Boston University. I don't have to worry about my kids anymore or a husband. But will there be THAT job at the end of all that hard work? I suspect I would still be by the bedside because I love that part of nursing. Only it will be my patient's bedside and not that of someone else's husband.

Maybe sharing this will help me sleep better tonight. I certainly hope so!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Does My IPhone Make Me Cool?

August 29, 2012

Ever since I got my IPhone a little over a year ago I felt instantly cool. I had never been one of the "cool" girls at school. I wasn't a cheerleader (too chubby), I wasn't super smart, I couldn't act, dance or sing. I was always in the chorus or back stage or team manager. Most of my friends were in the same predicament. I never felt like I was "good enough." If only I could be smarter, more beautiful and most of all THINNER.

But as soon as I held that phone in my hand I felt like a member of the elite. Gazing at the screen, lovingly brushing my fingers on it, looking at my emails, texting friends, googling information. I was finally "in!" It could do everything! It knew where I was and could get me anywhere I needed to go. And for someone who is as directionally clueless as I am, that is a godsend.

This weekend I met Josh and Jocelyn in Manhattan to attend the Fringe Festival. It is held in lower Manhattan for about two weeks. Plays are performed and produced that would never get a chance to be seen. Sometimes they are really good and sometimes they are truly horrible. But for $15.00 each that is the price you pay. And it is a lot of fun. We had planned to see three plays. But I had to get there by myself. I took the train to Grand Central and with my apps got myself, by subway, to the lower east side where I had a delicious breakfast while I waited for them to arrive from New Jersey.

I wouldn't have been able to do that without my precious phone. Dave lost my favorite map of Manhattan streets, the one that had the World Trade Center still on it, last year. I'm certain he left it in some hotel room while he was busy cheating on me. But I don't need it anymore!! ( Except for sentimental reasons.) I have my IPhone. Now if only someone would develop a lovemaking app I will be all set!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Cinderella's Story

August 28, 2012

My life is a fairy tale. If only! I spent last weekend being very busy but the the summer is waning and I am going to go into hibernation mode soon. I was out Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Unheard of, really. But Sunday night I was determined to get home early, which is for me 8PM. 7:30 is even better. You know, getting up at the crack of dawn, etc. Always looking at the time worrying about my car turning into a pumpkin.

I met old friends at the Branford green to see the Steve D'Agostino Band. It was the last in the Jazz series on the Green. He came highly recommended. I announced as soon as I got there that I would be leaving at intermission. But someone assured me I would not be able to leave once I heard them. And he was right. They were fantastic! As "smooth" as my friend described them, it was hard to gather up my things and leave. The weather was perfect, the moon was gorgeous and the Trinity church made a stunning background to the music. The food and the company and of course the wine cinched the deal. I didn't get home until after 9PM. Then it was setting up the coffee for the morning and getting my lunch ready and the usual bedtime rituals.

It was worth every second. Even though I mistakenly set my clock for 5AM instead of 4:30 and had to race around in the morning to get to work on time. Bed unmade (which I hate) with no time for a swig a coffee, and I forgot my watch (which I REALLY hate!) but I made it to work. Singing Cole Porter tunes all day!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Full Circle

August 27, 2012

"He's four years older than you, Lucy, and his parents are divorced." That was Jennie, 39 years ago when I first started dating Dave. She didn't think he was right for me. AND he wasn't Italian or Catholic! "But Mom, I'm not marrying his family. We love each other. He would never hurt me." She did eventually grow to love him, maybe even more than she loved me sometimes! I miss her but am glad she is not here to see this.

Dave's mother, Shirley destroyed her family 30 years ago in much the same way he has done. She left her husband and children and moved in with another woman. Although as far as I can remember she never talked about being a lesbian she lived with Yvonne for the last 30 years of her life. And I'm the one who never talked about anything important. But that behavior fits in with the pattern of our marriage. Dave did his very best to avoid conflict of any kind. Until, of course he met his soul mate.

I can't help but compare how similar the two situations are to each other. Dave destroyed his family to live with a lesbian, or former lesbian or bisexual or whatever she's calling herself now. I'll just stick to calling her Bhalu (Nepali) to make it easier. I guess that word fits whatever your sexual orientation happens to be. One of my friends who has known us both for a very long time says, "he is climbing back into the womb." I'm not sure about that but maybe Barbara, his high priced therapist should have explored that instead of analyzing me in absentia.

Shirley recently died in Arizona, in a strange home without her loved ones around to care for her. The woman she left her family for didn't really take care of her in the end. "What goes around comes around." One of my mother's favorite sayings. You were right again, Mom. Only this time I didn't listen to you. But I have two wonderful children and what I thought of, until a few years ago, as a happy marriage. For that I have no regrets.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Why I Never Liked Yard Work

August 24, 2012

At the beginning of the summer I hired someone to mulch the yard and trim the bushes etc. It looked beautiful. But I was warned that I would have to weed to keep it looking this good. And I did for  a while. But then it got so hot and I had to increase my hours at work and deal with the ant infestation and it was summer and I love to go out in the summer. Soon I would be cooped up in my house because it would get dark earlier and cold and snowy. So I've been going out alot.

But this past weekend I was home because of my work schedule and it was cooler out. I decided I needed to weed. So I started pulling up things that looked like weeds. At one point I remember thinking, I hope this isn't poison ivy. Or poison anything. I was very allergic to that stuff when I was a kid.

On Monday morning I woke up and my right eye was swollen. Sort of like a bug bite. By Monday night the right side of my face was getting blotchy and itchy. Tuesday it was even worse. By the time Hilary came home from work I looked scary. I didn't want to go to work Wednesday. My face and neck where itchy and ugly. But I hate to call in sick so I went, planning to get through part of the morning and then go home. But someone had already called out so I knew there was no chance of me leaving. I received lots of advice from my colleagues and some practical treatment. I even purchased a new medicated that stopped the itching. I still look somewhat like the Elephant man but its getting better.

So although I conquered the ants that enjoyed Hilary's birthday cupcakes in June I've learned my lesson as far as yard work. No, its not to wear gloves, long sleeves and long pants when I weed. It's to hire someone to do it for me. Some things are just not worth trying to do yourself.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

2,000 Dead

August 23, 2012

Last night after I returned home from a very lovely dinner at the Guilford Bistro I decided to forgo my usual up to bed at 9:30. I wanted to read both my newspapers. It meant I couldn't sleep with Tony but I really wanted to read the Wednesday papers. They both have the special food section which I love.

But when I got to the Times, the front page had a picture of the parents of Lance Cpl. Gregory T. Buckley Jr. at his burial. The anguish on their faces was heartbreaking. He was 21 and just weeks away from returning to his base in Hawaii. This week marked 2,000 young men and women killed in this war. The average age was 26.

 I won't pretend to know all the reasons behind the fact that we are still there. But I know we are sending our young people off to die much like we did in the Vietnam conflict. By the way, in Vietnam they call it the American war. In their museum in Saigon you can view all the atrocities inflicted by Americans on the Vietnam people. It was a humbling experience to see the war from their viewpoint.

The middle section included pictures of all the dead. It is a very emotional tribute to the men and women who gave their lives while I was sitting outside at a nice restaurant eating and drinking and laughing.

It makes all my problems seem small in comparison. When I get up in the morning the second thing I think about is my kids. The first thing is "I can't believe I have to wake up at 4:30AM!" Only kidding. I love getting up at the crack of dawn. But seriously, I like to be in touch with my kids everyday. Yet another thing I was told was wrong with me. Not long conversations, but just so I know they are ok. Sometimes just seeing that Josh is online is all I need. And my sweet daughter Hilary just loves to check in with me!

I know this is long but an update on Pussy Riot. Russian hackers shut down the website of the court that sentenced them on Tues. First they published the group's latest song criticizing Vladimir Putin.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


August 22, 2012

One of the reasons I still get the New Haven Register is to read the obituaries. I always check to see if there is anyone I know. Either family, relative of a friend or a patient. Lately, even a few of my contemporaries.

The New York Times has the best obits. Loving wife, faithful friend, devoted mother etc. They also publish sentiments from other people. Things to tell about a life well lived. I always wanted mine to be in the Times. I instructed my friend Jeanne to make sure any obituary includes the fact that for years I sewed Halloween costumes for my kids. The poodle skirt, the Cleopatra outfit and the beautiful witch costume for Hilary. The Mozart vest, the Renaissance caftan, and the wizard's robe for Josh. In fact if I can find them I want them hanging at my memorial service!

But mostly I always imagined the first lines would read, "Loving wife and best friend of 50 years to her husband Dave." But I can cross that wish off my list. I will never have a 50th anniversary picture published with a caption that says "party hosted by their children." Their wedding invitations will not read the son or daughter of Mr. and Mrs. David Graboff. I am still amazed and saddened by this turn of events. And I'm sure I always will be.

I have learned one thing from hearing the stories of my friends who have been divorced. No matter how long it has been the wounds never go away. The time between thinking about them may grow longer but when they surface the pain is still unchanged.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Movie Party

August 21, 2012

Several Sundays ago I decided to have a movie party for myself. It was something Dave and I did sometimes on Sunday afternoon. He would make a special cocktail and we would prep for dinner and then put on a movie. Halfway through we would stop and make dinner and then watch the rest of the movie. That was until he told me he didn't enjoy cooking with me any longer. But that's a story for another day.

Anyway this time there was no special cocktail, just bourbon on the rocks. My new favorite drink. I'm not sure what the dinner plan was that night. But I had snacks and drinks. What more could I ask for?

I settled down on the sofa and put in the movie. Nothing. Completely blank screen. OMG!! What to do? I'm wasn't quite sure. I had never handled those kinds of problems. Hilary was at work and Josh was in New Jersey. First, I cried a little. Then I talked to myself. "Cut it out," I said. "You're being ridiculous." I checked the remotes, turned the TV on and off, and stared at the DVD player. Finally I went to the computer and tried to find the trouble shooting guide on line. Something I had seen Jocelyn do when she set up the TVs at my sister's house. Only she used her IPhone but the writing is soooo small. Suddenly I remembered that earlier in the day I had dusted behind the TV. I looked back there and lo and behold I found a wire that had become disconnected. It was fixed. I DID IT!!! All by myself.

So I did enjoy watching "We Need To Talk About Kevin," with Tilda Swinton. Kind of a downer but I'm told I like dark movies and plays. But the real joy was knowing that I had gotten the best of that DVD player!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Free Pussy Riot

August 20, 2012

I spent this past weekend close to home because I was on night night call all weekend. I reorganized all my paperwork, files and bills. I cooked beans and macaroni. ( Yes, macaroni, not pasta.) Then I spent the rest of the day reading. My new book, "Gone Girl" and the New York Times. I love the newspapers. There is nothing like the feel of newsprint. I still receive the New Haven Register even though it is getting flimsier by the week. I can't imagine reading the news on line but I know it will eventually come to pass.

Anyway, I have been reading about the three young women in Moscow who call themselves Pussy Riot. What a great name! They have recently been sentenced to two years in prison for an anti-Putin protest in a Moscow's main Orthodox cathedral. The group is mainly political. They have never released a song or album. Sentiment is that they received a harsh sentence for exercising freedom of speech.

I am not into politics in any way, shape or form. ( One of my many faults. I never talked about anything important. Or so I was told.) I am neither a Democrat or a Republican. But I do believe in the right to free speech. I think women have the right to have an abortion. Homosexuals should be able to marry (why should they miss out on both the joy and misery of legalizing their unions?) The NRA scares me as do most right wing Republicans. But we live in a country where both very liberal and very conservative citizens have the same rights. And for that I am very grateful. Whenever I return from a trip overseas, no matter how much I have enjoyed the country, I am always happy to hear, "Welcome to JFK!" Josh, I know you are saying or at least thinking something very cynical. You too, Eric!

So, in a rare political moment for me, I want to say, Free Pussy Riot! And I wish I had thought of that name first.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Thanks, Mom

August 17, 2012

Jennie used to make this cold string bean and potato salad, the Italian kind, with olive oil and vinegar that I used to turn my nose up at as a kid. So ethnic! And cold beans! UGH! I never ate it but she kept making it anyway. But guess what I have been craving? Yes, cold string beans with potatoes.

For a long time I didn't think I could replicate my mother's recipes. I was actually afraid to try. But slowly I conquered eggs and potatoes, chicken soup and her delicious stew. Even escarole and beans, which I never thought I could make like she did. I still haven't mastered her sauce or meatballs and don't think I ever will.

Yesterday I bought green beans and fingerling potatoes at Hindinger's. I boiled them and dressed them with oil, vinegar and Dijon mustard and added some basil, parsley, dill and red onion. OK, so just a bit more upscale than Jennie would have liked (she would never use Dijon mustard or dill) but still delicious. I know she is smiling down at me.

 Although she didn't say "I love you" very much she thought cooking good meals was the same thing. So thanks, Mom. For all the love and the delicious food. And thanks for encouraging me to be a nurse instead of the medical secretary I wanted to be so I could get married sooner. We see how that turned out. "Become a nurse, you will always have a job." But especially thank you for making me get my Bachelor's Degree in Nursing back when it wasn't so popular. You were right after all!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Support Enforcement Services

August 16, 2012

Several weeks ago I received a form from Support Enforcement Services. Does anyone want to guess what that is all about? I'm sure my divorced friends know.

It's a form from the government regarding child support and alimony. I guess, although I'm not completely sure, that it is a means of tracking child support and alimony payments. How sweet. I didn't realize the government cared about my payments. But it is heartening to know that they are monitoring that for me. I had to include both our social security numbers so I could receive a portion of his social security when he starts collecting. After all we had what the court considers a "substantial marriage."

But did we? A "substantial marriage" implies that we had a bond that should have lasted forever. "For better or worse," etc. In my opinion a "substantial marriage"  does not include infidelity and lies. A "substantial marriage" implies respect for your spouse even when things are not going well. It means that even when you are having a mid life crisis and you become involved with a lesbian that looks and sounds very much like your mother you will step back and think about the destruction you will cause to so many. It means putting your family first.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Corn on the Cob

August 15, 2012

If there is anything as scrumptious as farm grown tomatoes it is fresh picked corn. In my previous life having corn on the cob involved a long drawn out process. Pulling back the husks, taking out the silk, soaking them in water, tying them with twine and THEN grilling them. I wasn't about to go through all that for one ear of corn. And you know how I feel about the grill.

So I have been shucking the corn, wrapping it in saran wrap and microwaving it. It tasted almost as good as the time consuming steps we had taken in the past. Today however I was given a new way to make delicious corn in the microwave that tastes even better than grilled.

Jocelyn, Josh and I were eating lunch together yesterday. Jocelyn was talking about making corn when they got home. She told me to put the corn in the microwave, in the husks, for 2-3 minutes. After it cools, cut the end off and shuck it. I tried it last night and it was sooo good. I was having a tomato salad so I rolled the corn in the left over olive oil then in basil, parsley and grated Parmesan cheese. And of course, salt. I told Annie about it and she tried it too. We both agreed. Some of the best corn we have ever eaten.

So things are not like they used to be. Although I ate the corn and salad by myself I enjoyed every morsel. Which I guess, is better than eating across from someone who spent the afternoon in a motel with another woman. 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Mad Martha's

August 14, 2012

Besides eating great seafood and drinking last weekend I also had the chance to try two of the Vineyards ice cream parlors. Instead of lunch we substituted ice cream cones.

Vineyard Scoops is in Edgartown. Their ice cream was just so-so. I got Mounds. Instead of coconut ice cream it was chocolatey and did not have much coconut flavor. I was accused by my friends of being an ice cream snob and too much of a city girl to appreciate the simple flavors of the island.

The next day we tried Mad Martha's. We took the bus to Vineyard Haven to shop and again traded lunch for ice cream. I had Reese's Cream. It was a wonderful combination of sweet cream ice cream with huge chunks of peanut butter cups. Mary had her favorite Peppermint. I never  saw Peppermint like this one. It had red and green pieces of peppermint stick and although I'm not a fan of that it looked delicious.

So I would have to vote for Mad Martha's as my favorite ice cream place in the Vineyard. And although I much prefer the city I could get into island living for short periods of time. Especially if I could live in one of those big "cottages" by the water!

Monday, August 13, 2012


August 13, 2012

This is not about metaphorical bridges but actual ones. I had bridge phobia for a long time. I would sometimes get panic attacks driving over them and had to force myself to go over the Q to the shoreline. Sometimes I would blare the radio and sing or maybe talk to myself. It was better if someone was with me because I would be distracted by their conversation. How was I going to drive anywhere by myself if I couldn't go over a bridge?

I am proud to say that I have been traveling over bridges all summer. Both symbolically and literally. I  drove to the Cape twice. Once, alone to meet my friends in Harwich and just this weekend with my friends Alyson and Mary to go to Martha's Vineyard. On the high speed ferry! Oh, I forgot. I also tend to get sea sick occasionally. (I AM more fun than it sounds!) It was a great weekend in spite of the rain. I read on the porch, ate in great restaurants, bought myself some trinkets and drank alot.

I even did a sort of bar night. Alyson said next time I will have to actually talk to someone. But she is easing me in slowly. Easy for her. Most of the guys thought she was in her late twenties taking her mother out for a drink!

But I had a great weekend. So, go out. Do thing you wouldn't or couldn't do when you were married. Force yourself if you have to. You may find you actually enjoy yourself!

Friday, August 10, 2012

WPLR 99 Rock

August 10, 2012

I can't listen to WPLR anymore. I grew up on Smith and Barber, Stoneman and all the other DJs of that era. But soon after Dave left I couldn't listen to those songs anymore. Bruce Springsteen, Rolling Stones, Aerosmith and the Beatles. Those tunes brought up too many memories.

 So I started listening to NPR. Classical music that would calm me down when I was driving and keep my mind from thinking about all the painful things in my life. But then I started listening to younger music. KC101 and 99.9.

I discovered a whole new source of music about the painful side of love. Katy Perry's "Part Of Me" and "I'm Wide Awake." "You chewed me up and spit me out like I was poison in your mouth" and "I wish I knew then what I know now." How did such a young person express the hurt so vividly. Kelly Clarkson is another favorite. "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" and "Darkside." Adele is one of my new favorite artists! Jocelyn claims "she has something for everyone." Sometimes I blast the radio and sing along in my car. Only if I am alone or with Josh. Hilary hates when I sing.

 Sister Albertine told me in fifth grade that I was tone deaf. So I try not to sing with the windows open.

Thursday, August 9, 2012


August 9, 2012

So many people have asked the same questions either directly or to one of my friends. Here are some answers.

1. Yes.  I am staying in "that house." It's not that big, I love my kitchen and now I have lots of new
     things to enjoy.

2. No.  I don't want to move to "the shoreline." As impossible as that is to believe!

3. No.  I had no clue he was cheating. Even though the signs were all there.

4. Yes.  I am a strong person but this is VERY hard.

5. Yes. It's true, I had no idea what our finances were like.

6. No. I am not increasing my work hours unless it becomes absolutely necessary.

7. No. The KY jelly did not belong to me.

8. Yes. I do miss having a man around the house.

9. And to the people who implied he is such a stud for "converting" a lesbian (apparently the fantasy  
     of many men. Who knew?) and to the few who actually had the nerve to ask me, maybe she just
     has nothing to compare him with.

10. Just an update on my garden. I have picked four very small grape tomatoes from my container
      plants. But Hindinger's tomatoes and peaches are delicious this year. Last night I made a tomato
      and peach salad with my freshly picked basil.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Beach Day

August 7, 2012

Last Friday I took a road trip with my childhood friends, Margo and Annemarie. We went to Scarborough beach in Rhode Island. Since I had received my consolation prize (a new car) in the divorce settlement we had been talking about taking a day trip. We piled our beach gear in the trunk and took off early. For some reason I did not plug in the GPS and of course we got a little lost. But we finally arrived.

 It's not as easy to go to the beach as it was when we were teenagers. So much paraphernalia. Towels, blankets, food, umbrellas. One for each of us and an extra one just in case. Clothes to change into when we were done. Makeup, soap, jewelry etc. We planned to shower there and go out to dinner.

After spending all day in the sun we packed up to make the trek to the car. I'm not sure which one of us said, "Next time we're spending the night at the hotel across the street!" But we all agreed, it was getting way too hard to make do without the luxury of a room to freshen up in.

After eating at the Coast Guard Restaurant we started home. Margo was on a mission to find an ice cream place to try. She spent half the way home looking on her IPhone and finally found Dad's of Niantic. We stopped there and had LLBean muddy bean boots(peanut ice cream with brownie bits) and black raspberry chocolate chip. It was delicious and creamy. Dad's is a clam shack across from the beach in Niantic and from what I could see the food looked pretty good. Typical fried seafood.

So all in all a good weekend. Beach, Yankees and food. Some good days and some incredibly painful moments. Hopefully time will help.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Boys Are Stupid

August 6, 2012

Many years ago when Hilary was in grade school she would tell me about the antics of the boys in her class ( that was before I sent her to an all girls high school. ) I would say, "Boys are stupid. Look at you brother." Sorry, Josh. Not a reflection of your superior intellect! Love you to death! As she got older I modified that to include, "They don't get much smarter as they get older." I thought her father was an exception but even he has proven me right.

Mary and I went to the Yankees game this past Saturday. It was brutally hot and we were sitting in the cheap seats. The plan was to eat lunch at the concessions. Garlic fries and steak sandwiches. Being women of a certain age prompted us to check out the NYY Steakhouse. Beautiful bar, white tablecloths and AC! Whatever we saved on the seats we spent having a very lovely lunch. Steak sandwiches, fries and onion rings at ten times the price of the concessions.

Anyway we finally sat in our seats covered in suntan lotion. As the day went on the fans kept drinking beer. You know, to stay hydrated. Not much food being sold but lots of beer. The seventh inning came and every Yankees fan knows that is Kate Smith time. Her rendition of God Bless America. The man in front of us did not take off his hat. Do you have to do that for Kate Smith? The guys behind us thought so. They started heckling him. He gave them the finger. All of a sudden someone threw a water bottle at him. The security guard ran into the stands to eject him. As he came down the bleachers the brother of hat man tried to hit him. By this time the police were there and it was quickly squelched. But the little boy with them was clearly upset and crying.

Guys, is that part of baseball sportsmanship I don't know about? Does testosterone really rule all your actions? Are there any men out there who don't have to constantly prove how big their balls are? Of course, I'm referring to baseballs!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

We don't have to get divorced

August 8, 2012

Yes, that's what he said when he was leaving me the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Sunday morning was always special for me. I would get up before anyone else and start the coffee, read my email and throw in a load of laundry. Then I would get the newspapers. Dave would get up late ( he used to like to sleep late. That is, until he had to run to catch the Port Jeff ferry to be back before I returned from work.) He would get bagels because they "had to be fresh." That Sunday we were supposed to leave to spend a few days in Manhattan. He was acting skittish and I finally asked him what was wrong. " I don't love you enough. "

Wow. Nothing like that to bolster your self esteem. I was already feeling old and haggard. That was just the icing on the cake!" But we don't have to get divorced. We can still keep our bank account and I will continue to pay the bills from there." I wasn't sure I had heard him correctly. "So let me get this right," I asked." You will live somewhere else and sleep with someone else and I will stay here?" His response, " Well, I'm doing that now." Yes, thank-you for that.

I will admit I briefly considered that proposal. I didn't know how I could possible survive without his overseeing our financial affairs. Maybe if I didn't have a daughter to think about I would have even agreed. But she already saw me as weak and beaten and I didn't want to give her any more reason to continue with that sentiment. The next week I talked to a lawyer. What did Dave say to that? "I didn't think you would ask for alimony!!!"

Incredible, I know. What I want to know is, was the Kussi (Farsi) so desperate to have him that she would agree to such a setup. She would live with a married man and let him support her? But I guess she was doing that anyway. As Jennie would have said," She must have grown up in a barn."

Friday, August 3, 2012

Joint Credit Cards

August 3, 2012

As I said before I hadn't paid a bill in many years. I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle the finances or have enough money to " not change my lifestyle." As soon as I was able to think semi clearly I hit the stores. I already told you how I spruced up the house and got everything I could serviced and checked. Now it was time for me to buy things.

Did I go out and get furs and jewelry? Totally not my style. Where DID I go? BJ's, Walmart, Shoprite and Trader Joes's. I have enough toilet paper and tissues for the next few years. Paper towels galore! Enough kitty litter to last as long as Ophelia is alive. Canned goods and coffee beans. I stocked up on everything I could think of. If he was supporting another woman I sure wasn't going to run out of toilet paper!

I gave some thought about buying myself some jewelry. I even looked at a ring. But I wanted that to be purchased with my own money. So maybe, when I have some time I will shop for a nice ring to replace my wedding band. Maybe I will sell both rings and use that money toward a new one. Sort of symbolic. Or maybe bad luck, I haven't decided.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Mother Theresa

August 2, 2012

I was reading through my past blogs. And just for the record I am no Mother Theresa. I'm not even remotely saint like. I take full responsibility for my part in whatever was wrong in my marriage. I can be an extremely sarcastic bitch. Just ask anyone who knows me well. And probably those who don't. But I would never be so deceitful as to cheat on my husband. ( George Clooney would not be cheating. It would be fulfilling a dream.) I am very direct and straightforward. If someone tells me they are going to the mall to Christmas shop I have no reason to think they have elaborate plans for their day. Plans that include hurting me. Deliberately.

So I hope that this experience will not turn me into a bitter woman. I still want to believe that people are capable of loving unconditionally. No matter what.

 Margo's daughter got engaged last week and I shared in their happiness Sunday night. I want to believe that people can marry and spend the rest of their lives with each other. That they can respect their vows in good times and bad. For better or worse.

So even though my sarcasm and my cynicism may increase I want to keep a part of my naivete. I want to think that, deep down inside, people are basically good and kind and honest. I don't want to lose that part of myself.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Goodbye July

August 1, 2012

Yeah!! July is over. Normally the best month of the year for me. I love the summer, the beach, the warmth, the days lasting longer. And all my celebrations. My mother's birthday was in July and two of my best friends have children born in July. But this year it was just something to "get through." And I did. Thanks to my friends and my kids. Everyone went above and beyond to keep my spirits positive. But like I said before, sometimes a street sign, a memory, a TV commercial, will bring it all crashing around you. When you least expect it.

I am sure you can tell by yesterday's blog that it would have been my 31st anniversary. Instead of being on vacation like I had planned I went to work for half a day. But I was determined not to mope around when I got home.

I decided to go to The Collins Creamery with Hilary for ice cream. It is in Enfield. Who knew Enfield was so far away? Not being good with directions (and that's an understatement!) I put the address in my GPS. However I failed to look at the distance until we hit Hartford. I thought it said 36 more miles. But it couldn't. That would be almost in Massachusetts. Right at that point the GPS decided to stop working. I quickly got out my IPhone but I am not as familiar with using that for directions. But guess what? We found the place. And it was very near Longmeadow MA. It was a very long ride for ice cream, especially after waking up at 4:30 AM for work that morning.

The Collins Creamery is adorable. A quaint white building set on a farm. Cows were in the pasture next to us. I even bought a gorgeous pot of zinnias for my porch. The ice cream, coconut chocolate chip and Collins Compost (brownie batter base and oreo cookies) was flavorful and creamy. No ice, Josh! They had lots of flavors to choose from and also had soft serve and frozen yogurt. And as an added treat I found a Marshall's to stop at on the way home.