My Other Car Is A Broom

June 6, 2014



Let me recommend Safelite Auto Glass if you have any dings or cracks in you car windows. I can personally vouch for them as I have been a customer twice in the past year. I have been driving cars for 40 years and this past year is the first time I needed to have my windshield repaired. Not once but twice. The first time was a small ding. This time it was a long crack ( defined by the experts as longer than a dollar bill.) This has led me to try to explain such a phenomenon.


Beside the windshield issues I have also hit the bank drive through not once but twice. And the second time I was being extremely careful. I didn't hear the sickening crunch until I was almost clear of the area. I then hit the side of the garage with my mirror causing the casing to come apart. The mirror still works but there is a crack in the casing which is unsightly. Why is this happening all of a sudden? Well, okay I have often hit the garage in the past but not to this extent.


There can only be one explanation. The car is cursed! Yes, that's it. I won? acquired? received? the car as part of the divorce settlement. Sort of like compensation for making a mockery of the memories of my life. What can I expect from such a "gift ?" Beside the windshield and the various "accidents" there was also the punctured tire saga. If I didn't know any better I would think that someone put a spell on my vehicle. Well technically it isn't my vehicle yet. I better be extra vigilant when that day comes. But if you hear that I have suddenly lost my brakes...please think of this post.

Garbage Day

May 28, 2014



Wednesday is the day I put the garbage out. When I was married I NEVER put out the garbage. I was too delicate....couldn't lift the recycle bins or drag those heavy trash cans to the end of the driveway. But guess what? Since my divorce I've managed to put out the trash every single week! Isn't that amazing?!!


But recently Hamden issued new trash bins. One for recycling and one for trash. Huge, monstrous things on wheels. Big enough to dispose of almost anything! And don't think I haven't fantasized about what could go in there. But now I have gone back to dreading putting them out. I have to put one foot on them to tilt them back and then drag them down the driveway. When I get to the end I have to go out into the street to turn them around and position them just so on the lawn. There are rules about where they can be and how they need to face the street. The wheels are making big ruts in my lawn, not to mention the room they take up in the garage. It seems everyone has the same size contraption no matter how many people live in the house. I don't know how the elderly can possibly deal with these things.


I understand the need for recycling and I am grateful that the town has curbside recycling. I am not complaining, really I'm not. But there are only two of us living here. Maybe it would have been too difficult to have a variety of sizes. As it is clearly stated, I do not own the bin, it stays with the house. As if I would take it if I moved! So a very minor thing to deal with, I know. And I will deal with it because I have no choice. But this morning I thought for a fleeting second, maybe the guys who are coming to cut the trees can drag this down for me!

Fortune Cookies

March 17, 2014





"The axe soon forgets, but the tree always remembers." I usually laugh at my fortune cookie fortunes. They are usually whimsical and far fetched. I really like the ones that say I will come into a lot of money or will travel the world. But this fortune was too close to home.



Yes, time helps. But it doesn't necessarily "heal all wounds." The wounds will always be there, it just becomes easier to bear. Living your life helps. Being with other people helps. Knowing that you are stronger than your problems helps. But as I've said before there are always the "sucker punches" waiting where you least expect them. This week it was in a fortune cookie.

Pre Divorce Maintenance Top Ten

March 10, 2014




In the months leading up to my divorce I received some much needed advice from one of my very good friends. After crying with me over the emotional wreckage of my marriage and family she composed a list of practical things I needed to accomplish. An "Angie's List" of divorce preparation. I decided to follow her advice since I was still in possession of the joint credit card. I'm sure I've missed a few things and added a few items of my own but here it goes.




10. Make a walk thru of your house and list needed repairs.


9. Get the furnace serviced and ready for the winter.


8. Check the air conditioning.


7. Clean the chimney and vents.


6. Get the cars tuned up.


5. Replace old window treatments.


6. Redo the master bedroom.


5. Buy a new appliance or two.


4. Spruce up the yard. Tree trimming and mulch.


3. Open your own bank account and credit cards.


2. Organize important papers.


1. Treat yourself to something nice without feeling guilty.

Divorce Recovery Top Ten

February 24, 2014


                                                Top Ten Signs of Recovery



10. I  go out to dinner. A lot.


9. I can travel. In spite of the fact that just a short while ago I thought I would never leave my          
    bedroom, let alone my house.


8. I can say, "I'm divorced" without the catch in my voice. Although I do still find it unbelievable.


7. I can manage my finances. And for anyone who really knows me that is an incredible feat.


6. I can plan for the future. And be happy about it.


5. I have made new friends.


4. I care about other people and their problems again.


3. I can go to sleep without Ambien. Although I still have it around for emergency use.


2. I can get out of bed in the morning without the pep talk in my head.


1. I have realized how lucky I am even if my life did not turn out as I had planned. And I can assure           others who are just starting this journey that they will survive.

Thanksgiving Week 2013

November 25, 2013





Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. The planning, picking out recipes, cooking for days and the actual meal. I loved everything about it. Until 2011 that is. A truly awful week filled with lies and deceit and tears. Last year was a little better although I did not cook any of my favorite dishes. I relied on the kindness of my friends to get me through the day.


This year I HAD planned on cooking the traditional feast but circumstances prevented that. I will join Jocelyn's family in New Jersey. It has proved very liberating to leave the major cooking tasks to someone else and just show up with a dish and a smile! And Howard, I know it is still YOUR favorite holiday, so thanks for inviting me along. I may never cook another Thanksgiving dinner again. Maybe next year I will be at the beach with a rum punch.


As I was told, time has helped heal the pain of divorce and new traditions have replaced the old. But as for Barbara Murcus' advice that the kids would "get over" it, I never thought that was true and I still don't. Even though HE has become "somebody that I used to know" for me, I don't think the kids will ever be able to feel the same again. Someone recently told me about his own divorce. His therapist said he should be prepared to be the bad guy if he left. And he is surprised he is STILL the bad guy years later. Why would that be surprising? And why would you disrupt your whole family to settle for a relationship that is "far from ideal" just because it is "what you have."? Or maybe that was just another version of the "my wife is frigid" line.


Anyway, I am actually looking forward to this week and the coming holiday season. I have Friday off, something that hasn't happened in years. Family and friends and parties. I'm even going back to the Red Lion Inn this year. And spending a few days in Vermont for New Years Eve. Slowly and thoughtfully, a new way of life is taking shape. Baby steps.

eHarmony

August 5, 2013



A friend sent me a link for a free weekend with eHarmony in early July. I decided to try it and see what would happen. Well, so far NOTHING!!! I was told by someone at the start that online dating would not work for someone my age. I guess he was right. But it's worth a try, right?


I really want to meet the DOCTOR in the commercial who claims they read your profile and match you up with someone of similar interests!! Ha. They have sent me matches of people who don't drink, are extremely conservative, want someone who can share their deep religious faith and don't like to travel. Who read MY profile? If you know me at all you can clearly see that these are not appropriate matches. So what did they do? Sort by age? Anyone in my age group who is not dead??? OMG!!


When I told Margo what I was doing she said, "Try to be nice." What does that mean? "Write a nice profile," she said.  But I'm a sarcastic bitch (sometimes) and I can't lie (all the time.) I want to put that right up front. But I have soooo many redeeming qualities as well. So I tried to focus on those but still no takers!!! A few people expressed interest but one lives in Illinois and the other won't send a picture! And surprisingly EVERY guy thinks Valentines Day is SWEET! Really???


So maybe I should go with my original profile. Woman of a certain age, intelligent, warm, hard working, great sense of humor.(I think) Fairly good cook. Loves to travel, eat out, go to movies, plays, concerts and sporting events. Except for the year preceding my divorce have never been skinny but do not take up two seats on a plane. Love the beach as long as I can read and lay in the sun. Does not want to parasail, play frisbee, bungee jump or any sport that I have to freeze my ass off to master. As stated before CAN be a sarcastic bitch but in a good way. I am also loud and bossy sometimes. BUT if you are my friend I will be loyal and true. How's that, Margo? Nice enough?

Never Again by Kelly Clarkson

April 22, 2013

Well I made it back from Chicago safe and sound. Although we rented a car and were about to drive we actually got a flight at the last minute and arrived home late Friday night. Just in time for me to celebrate a 2 year anniversary of sorts. 

Two years ago I came downstairs at 5AM to leave for work. I found a letter on my computer. A typewritten letter from my then husband. Silly me. I thought it was going to be a love note. Or at the very least a list of things he wanted me to do. When I opened it and read it I was shaking so much I didn't think I would be able to leave the house. He informed me that "we weren't working" and I should go to a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings. That he wouldn't be going to Italy with Hilary and I ( we were talking about taking her for graduation) and that he was changing the locks on our apartment in New York. This after we had spent the weekend looking on line for apartments in the city. Talk about a sucker punch!

Anyway I have traveled from that day to this. From hardly being functional at work ( I remember spending that week mostly in my office staring at the computer screen and trying very hard not to cry) to taking on the office of Treasurer for the state chapter of my nursing organization. Quite a leap for someone who had not paid a bill in thirty years. Running two households AND being treasurer! 

So you see, all of you who are starting on this journey, you will survive. You will be changed by it forever but you will survive. You may even joke about it someday. There is something to be said for being on your own, spending your money on whatever you want and not having your hard earned dollars go to the support of another woman. 

And I'll close with this Kelly Clarkson song. I heard it for the first time this week. The only thing that doesn't apply here is "trophy wife." Thanks David, for telling everyone I was "prettier" than the zoccola.( Jennie's second favorite Italian word for whore.) It does my heart good whenever I think of that.

"Never Again"

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green
I hope when your in bed with her, you think of me
I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well
Could you tell, by the flames that burned your words

I never read your letter
'Cos I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all OK

[Chorus]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
And don't say, you simply lost your way
She may believe you but I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth, she deserves you
A trophy wife, oh how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes, and he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
You'll die together but alone

You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

[Chorus]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
And don't say, you simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
Never again

[Bridge]
Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never

Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never

[Chorus]
Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks, to see my face everywhere
It was you, who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
And don't say, you simply lost your way
They may believe you but I never will
I never will
I never will

Never again

Thanks to Katie for adding these lyrics.Thanks to haley, Allison,

The Divorce Excuse

October 31, 2012



How much longer can I use the divorce as an excuse for things that go wrong? I say a year from when the divorce was final. So that gives me until June 22 of next year. Of course I used it before then to explain why I wasn't smiling for months. And if you ever want to clear a room you really just have to say, "I'm going through a very painful divorce." It helps if your voice shakes a little and your eyes well up. The place becomes utterly silent. People scatter like crazy. Except of course for Judge Blue who was very unsympathetic to my plight. But I was amazed at how effective it was as a tool for stopping unpleasant conversations.

Of course, some people think it is time for me to stop using the divorce as a crutch. Why? I say milk it for as long as I can. After all I'm not the same person I was before this started. I don't think I'm a better or worse person but a different person certainly. And I think that is a direct result of this experience.

So I say the statue of limitations is one whole year. It still colors everything that happens to me and affects the way I react to new situations. It is always there in the back of my mind. Now that I'm thinking about it a year may not be long enough. Only kidding, Red! June 22, 2013 is the absolute last day I will use the divorce excuse.

Hurricane Update

November 1, 2012



At Annie's tonight. Just took a shower and had a cocktail. Candles in the bathroom again! Do my friends know me or what? I am so lucky!!!!

I could complain that I have no heat ( it was 59 degrees in my bedroom this morning), no lights, no TV and have to open my garage door by hand. But I'm not going to do that. My basement is dry, I have a job to go to and friends to impose upon. Everyone I love is safe. I may not look my best but I am well cared for.

After this is over and I have power restored I will have to have another party for everyone who helped me through this. Not just a single girls party this time. But if I still have no power by tomorrow I'll be at the Omni!

Co-Habitation

October 10, 2012



On the day I got divorced the judge told me I was entitled to alimony until I remarried. He also said I could cohabit as long as I did not receive financial support from that person. Duh? ( As the kids say now) Why would I want to do THAT?

So I could answer to someone, wash their smelly socks and underwear, cook their meals and explain where I was going all the time? Ask their permission to go on a medical mission to Vietnam and then get told two years later that it was the "turning point" in our relationship. That was the point at which he "fell out of love" with me.

So if I never plan on getting married again (which I don't, in spite of what everyone thinks) why on earth would I want to cohabit? Isn't that just like being married without the license? Aren't you expected to be faithful, trustworthy and honest just like if you were married. Isn't someone waiting for you to have dinner with, spend free time with and vacation together? Are you allowed to seek out other partners or pretend you are single just because you are not legally wed? Why not just GET married? Because you are, for all intents and purposes, married. I suppose it makes it easier and cheaper to just walk away. I guess for the guy that is the perfect setup. But for the woman not so much. And as Jennie used to say to me all the time, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

My Melancholy Baby

October 5, 2012



It's been a long week. I worked extra this week and my house is a mess. Maybe that's why I feel so "blue." What a strange word to describe sadness. October never held any special meaning for me so I don't understand the why I'm feeling this way. But I'm just going to "go with it."

If I have one suggestion for anyone going through this it is to be good to yourself. Sleep late if you want, say no if you need to, put yourself first for a change. Instead of thinking about what everyone else needs, think about what you need.

I remember back in December when I had to take a leave from my job. I felt guilty sleeping until 7:30 because I always get up early. But I DID sleep late for weeks because I needed to take care of myself. And now I realize that no one else will be looking out for me. So I feel acutely aware of the need to be responsible for my well being. Not just physically ( Okay, Annie, I know.... I need to get that cortisone shot in my foot. I'm working up to that! ) but emotionally as well.

Sometimes it is hard to do that. But important. Put yourself first for a change.

Emerson

October 4, 2012



Yesterday I went into the chart room at work. I almost walked out without reading the quote someone had put up on the board. I don't usually pay attention to those Pollyanna sayings that people post but I'm glad I took the time to read this one.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

It got me thinking about a lot of things. I know I have survived (sort of) an emotional roller coaster these past few years. And I know I am facing more emotional upheaval. I am still pretty gullible. I know there will be those who will take advantage of that and of the fact that I usually take everyone at their word. I thought the tears would dry up at some point. But I guess as long as we put our feelings on the line we have the ability to get hurt. And I also realize, in hearing the stories of my patients, that my troubles and hurts are miniscule compared to some.

I don't want to lose the person that I have become. I know I could be more patient and thoughtful. It's a work in progress. I hope that in being the person I am someone, somewhere will be able to appreciate my good qualities and accept the bad ones. ( I could reference "Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson but I won't!)

Mums and Pumpkins

September 19, 2012



The official end of summer is this Friday. But really the summer is pretty much over here. Once school starts, even if you have no one who goes to school anymore, the summer is over for me. I always loved the start of school. Even when I was a student. The new clothes, new classes and teachers and the crisp fall air. When my kids went to school it was a relief to get back to an orderly life. No worries about how to entertain them in the summer or worry about what they were up to while I was at work.

But the change of seasons this year has brought about mixed emotions. All the memories that I have involve someone who is no longer here. The apple picking, cider donuts, hearty meals, and changing leaves will take on a new meaning this year. The first autumn as a divorcee. Hate that word.


Today I went to Home Depot to replace the fading summer flowers. I saw mums and pumpkins and bales of hay for the fall display. But I couldn't bring myself to buy them. I'm still getting used to spending the summer as a single woman. I'm not ready to make another change just yet.

The Unbridled Shower

September 18, 2012



This weekend I read an article about divorce showers. Or, as it was called in the Times, Unbridled Showers. This is like a wedding shower where the recipient gets gifts to replenish the household. Things their spouse may have taken when they left or items to furnish a new house or apartment. You can even register like a traditional shower for things you may want or need.

Who hosts these events? Is it your original maid of honor or best man? Or a friend? Or maybe your new lover, the one you divorced your spouse to be with? Or I suppose you could do it for yourself.

In my case no tangible things were taken. He "didn't need anything." Just to get away from me. So what would I register for? Truth, honesty, commitment, loyalty, fidelity, love. Are those things you can purchase at Macy's?

Alimony/Miscellanious

September 17, 2012



Occasionally I'll receive a check in the mail entitled alimony/miscellaneous. What's the miscellaneous mean, I wonder? When I first got one I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Won't he know from seeing my name on the check? Does he think maybe he will forget in the future that we were married and wonder who received this cancelled check? Or is it yet another way to turn the knife?

Maybe the miscellaneous is for all the nights I cried when he didn't come home, or all the years I felt like a single parent because he was always at work. Or maybe it's for all the parent-teacher conferences I went to by myself, the sick visits to the doctor when they couldn't go to school and I couldn't go to work. Maybe its for all the anxiety I had when there was a snow day and school was cancelled and I had to figure out who would care for my children. He always thought I "worried" too much. But he just got into his car and went to work no matter what the issue. He could NEVER call in sick.

Thirty years of memories and joys and sorrows reduced to "miscellaneous."

Single or Divorced?

September 12, 2012



Whenever I had forms to fill out in the past it was always easy. I was always Mrs. Never Ms. And I always checked the married box with a smug attitude. See, someone loves me. Someone is thinking about me and maybe someone else is responsible for the bill. It made me feel protected.

But now, what do I check? I'm divorced but also single. Why do strangers need to know that instead of having someone waiting at home who adores me, I have been thrown into the discard pile? Can I still check single without feeling that I am deceiving people? Implying that I am carefree and maybe single by choice. Or am I lying by omission? Something I hate but put up with a lot during my marriage.

So I guess I will decide for each form. Depending on my mood that day. Am I divorced or single?

Support Enforcement Services

August 16, 2012



Several weeks ago I received a form from Support Enforcement Services. Does anyone want to guess what that is all about? I'm sure my divorced friends know.

It's a form from the government regarding child support and alimony. I guess, although I'm not completely sure, that it is a means of tracking child support and alimony payments. How sweet. I didn't realize the government cared about my payments. But it is heartening to know that they are monitoring that for me. I had to include both our social security numbers so I could receive a portion of his social security when he starts collecting. After all we had what the court considers a "substantial marriage."

But did we? A "substantial marriage" implies that we had a bond that should have lasted forever. "For better or worse," etc. In my opinion a "substantial marriage"  does not include infidelity and lies. A "substantial marriage" implies respect for your spouse even when things are not going well. It means that even when you are having a mid life crisis and you become involved with a lesbian that looks and sounds very much like your mother you will step back and think about the destruction you will cause to so many. It means putting your family first.

Answers

August 9, 2012



So many people have asked the same questions either directly or to one of my friends. Here are some answers.

1. Yes.  I am staying in "that house." It's not that big, I love my kitchen and now I have lots of new
     things to enjoy.

2. No.  I don't want to move to "the shoreline." As impossible as that is to believe!

3. No.  I had no clue he was cheating. Even though the signs were all there.

4. Yes.  I am a strong person but this is VERY hard.

5. Yes. It's true, I had no idea what our finances were like.

6. No. I am not increasing my work hours unless it becomes absolutely necessary.

7. No. The KY jelly did not belong to me.

8. Yes. I do miss having a man around the house.

9. And to the people who implied he is such a stud for "converting" a lesbian (apparently the fantasy  
     of many men. Who knew?) and to the few who actually had the nerve to ask me, maybe she just
     has nothing to compare him with.

10. Just an update on my garden. I have picked four very small grape tomatoes from my container
      plants. But Hindinger's tomatoes and peaches are delicious this year. Last night I made a tomato
      and peach salad with my freshly picked basil.
     
     

Another Top Ten

July 23, 2012


                                    Top Ten Best Things About Being Divorced


10. No sex.

9. Reading in bed. ( Without listening to sighing )

8.  Sleeping with Tony. ( Soprano. I've been watching the show for the first time. Makes me want to 
                                       be a mob wife!)

7. Not hearing "What are we doing about lunch?"

6. Sitting on the beach without feeling guilty.

5. Not having the TV on 24/7.

4. Not having to pretend I'm interested in politics.

3. Being content in my home.

2. Realizing how special my friends and family are to me.

1. Getting closer to my children than ever before. Whether they want to or not!



I promise this will be the last list for awhile!