My divorce is final today. Just one month short of my 31st wedding
anniversary. I bet you thought from the title this would be funny. Maybe
filled with recipes. Some of it is funny but much of it is heart
wrenching. I think a lot of it will be helpful to other women going
through an unwanted divorce at age 55.
My husband left
me for a lesbian. Excuse me, I meant to say "former lesbian". There,
that's funny, isn't it? It was two days after Thanksgiving ( my favorite
holiday ). We had been going to couples counseling for seven months
because Dave was "unhappy" in our marriage. He choose to inform me of
this in our driveway as we were leaving for Easter weekend in Manhattan.
You can see he has a thing for holidays. Although he claimed "it was a
long time coming" I was completely taken aback. He insisted there was no
one else. "I'm just not happy." And I believed him! This IS starting to
sound humorous.
Anyway he agreed to commit 100% to
therapy. I thought things were going well. Until of course the day
before his birthday in July (see what I mean about special occasions?)
He told me he was going to Home Depot. He called to tell me he wasn't
coming home. We were planning to go out that night to celebrate his
birthday and the fact that our daughter had received her nursing license
that week. I begged him to come home. I didn't want to tell my daughter
that he had left. I desperately wanted to spare her the pain of
rejection that I knew she would feel. That I was feeling. He hung up the
phone and didn't answer or come home for four days. I believed him when
he said he was in Fire Island with gay friends form work. Staying at
their house and walking the beach, "thinking about us."
This
same drama happened several times that summer. Each time I believed he
needed "time alone." How naive. We continued therapy. He insisted there
was "no other woman." I finally found a credit card statement with proof
of his infidelity. While I was gone on a medical mission to Columbia he
took his lover to see Rent on Broadway. Rent was one of my favorite
plays. We had seen the original many times together. He also took her to
a restaurant we had been to several times. The week I came back he met
with her in a motel in Long Island where she lives and works. He
eventually admitted to many motel trysts, most of them while I was at
work. I thought that was the lowest they would stoop but I was wrong.
There were many more levels of pain for me to experience.
So
today, instead of planning something special for my anniversary I left
Superior Court a divorcee. Not a word I would ever have thought I would
use in reference to myself in a million years. I hope some of my
experiences can help others who are coping with the same indescribable
pain.
Not a word I would ever have thought I would
use in reference to myself in a million years. I hope some of my
experiences can help others who are coping with the same indescribable
pain.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that with your (now ex) husband. I think you believed him because you loved him enough to hope that it was all true, even if some part of you was already suspicious. We all want to believe the best of the people we love. Hopefully, though, this divorce is the end of the pain, and the beginning of a fresh new journey for you. I wish you luck as you begin to truly move on from this.
ReplyDeleteDarcy Nimmons
I couldn’t possibly understand all there is to know about your relationship problem, even if I wanted to, but I get the picture. And I know you’ll get by, Lucille. :) Life goes on, even through the things you think would kill you. Remember this: you’ve been a good wife to him. :) This will definitely change some things in your social life. Just live by your kids and other loved ones. They’ll support you unfailingly.
ReplyDeleteLouisa Matsuura
It’s saddening to read about what your husband did to you before the divorce happened, but in a way, I’m relieved that everything went smoothly and without incident. Sometimes, the husband and wife can’t agree on terms and conditions, stretching the proceedings further. And the longer it gets, the more painful it becomes. At this point, I think it would be good if you just focus your attention on caring for yourself and your daughter. Protect her from experiencing emotional and mental stress.
ReplyDelete@Janay Stiles