I knew it would hurt you....

June 23, 2012

If anyone says " I knew it would hurt you if you found out but I did it anyway" that's the time to call it quits.

Three years ago, as my mother lay dying, Dave was busy calling his lesbian friend, Anita, several times a day. Sometimes several times an hour. When I confronted her she said, " I'm gay Lucille. In a committed relationship. You don't have to worry about me. We're just friends."
I couldn't believe Dave would deliberately hurt me. But here he was admitting that he knowingly did something that would devastate me. Why did I put up with that sort of treatment?

We were a family. People make mistakes. I wanted to forgive him. I was hurt beyond belief especially by the cavalier  remarks he made about my mom while she was dying. My mother had given us so much... the down payment on our house, car loans and gifts. Mostly she gave of her time, taking care of our children while I worked, cooking us meals and cleaning the house. In thirty year his mother gave us a gas grill and came to visit us expecting to be entertained. I couldn't believe he was making light of her death to a complete stranger.

In retrospect I should have told him to leave then. But I truly wanted our marriage to work. I didn't want to break up our family or hurt our children. I didn't want them to come from a "broken home" no matter what their age. He always said he wanted the same thing. And I loved him. We had a bond that couldn't be broken or so I thought.  But he was secretly building a life away from me. When he had someone to run to so he wouldn't "be alone" he accused me of all sorts of shortcomings. I didn't say "I love you " enough, I picked out wallpaper he didn't like, I worried too much about the kids, etc. Things I didn't even remember. It's funny how much was wrong with me that he didn't reveal for thirty years until he met the wh_ _ _. I can't bring myself to call her Anita. I probably will refer to her as the big W.

So my first important bit of advice ladies is do the bills!!  He wouldn't have been able to wine and dine her if I knew where the money was going. I trusted him implicitly, never questioning anything. Signing papers without reading them. BIG MISTAKE. Although others friends have told me it is  possible to do the finances and still be fooled I know I would have had a better handle on our situation if I had been controlling the money. Don't be so trusting. Even if you don't directly pay the bills always look over the finances.

One last thought for today. If he can look you in the eyes and tell you he doesn't care how much you are hurting, if he can knowingly stick a knife in your heart, RUN. I wish I had.