Wednesday, November 14, 2012


November 14, 2012

I've been slowly doing over every room in the house. Not big major changes but little small ones to make them all my own. My bedroom is completely redone (except for the mattress, can't really bear to part with the Bob-O-Pedic), new curtains in the kitchen ( totally different from what I had before) new fireplace screen and even new curtains in Hilary's room. Now I'm concentrating on Josh's bedroom. Turning it into a guest/sewing room. I've taken all the books out of his bookshelf to store for him. He refuses to let me throw any of them out or give them away. But some of the books I can't bear to put in the basement.

The Polar Express, my favorite Christmas book. I wonder which one of us liked it the most. I hung a framed poster of the cover in his room where it still is today. I remember when we went to New Hampshire to ride their rendition of the polar express. It was magical even to me. Or maybe I should say especially to me. I wanted to go again this year but don't have anyone young enough to go with. Bill Peets' books that I read to him all the time. And all the Dr. Seuss stories. Those may have to remain in that room as well. Maybe whoever the guest is that stays in that room will appreciate those stories as much as I do.

It seems everything I do is fraught with memories of the past. My memories, that I am trying really hard to preserve. Memories that are tainted with incredibly painful revelations that are only just becoming apparent to me. Looking at pictures from our family vacations and thinking, was he cheating on me then? Comparing me to someone else? Was I settling for sloppy seconds when this picture was taken? All of us smiling at the Grand Canyon, Santa Monica Pier, San Francisco, Yellowstone, Rome and all the countless other trips we took together.

Not helpful for my mental health or self esteem but hard to escape. I'm waiting for time to heal those wounds and help me to accept that I can only be responsible for my own feelings and actions. And the time to make new and possibly better memories.

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