July 31, 2012
You're My Home
by Billy Joel
When you look into my eyes
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
It always comes as a surprise
When i feel my withered roots begin to grow
Well i never had a place
That I could call my very own
But that's all right my love
'cause you're my home.
When you touch my weary head
And you tell me everything will be all right
You say use my body for your bed
And my love will keep you warm throughout the night
Well i'll never be a stranger
And i'll never be alone
Wherever we're together
That's my home.
Home could be the Pennsylvania turnpike
Indiana's early morning dew
High up in the hills of California
Home is just another word for you
Well I never had a place that i could call my very own
But that's all right my love 'cause you're my home
If i travel all my life
And i never get stop and settle down
Long as i have you by my side
There's a roof above and good walls all around
You're my castle, you're my cabin
And my instant pleasure dome
I need you in my house
'cause you're my home,..
You're my home.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
The Schmackery
July 30, 2012
Another birthday down. Joshua turned 27 on Saturday. We celebrated in Manhattan as we very often do for birthdays. We saw a play, One Man, Two Guvnors' at the Music Box Theater. It was hilarious. We laughed through the entire performance. Which kept me from getting morose and saying something to break the mood. We had lunch at Le Marseille, a french restaurant near the theater. We have eaten there in the past. When his father was around to share his celebrations. But this time it was Jocelyn and I. However even without Dave, the food was just as good as we remembered.
But what I really want to talk about is The Schmackery. No, it is not a new form of sadomasochism. Not that I would know much about S&M. But this is a cookie shop in Hells Kitchen right near the restaurant. We passed it as we were going to lunch and I saw that they make ice cream sandwiches. I knew I would be saving room for one. We finished lunch at 1:15. The play was not until 2. Josh was worried about filling the gap but I knew exactly where we were headed.
We all shared one sandwich. Vanilla bean gelato in between two cookies of our choice. I picked a cookie made with candied bacon, maple syrup, toffee bits and sea salt. ( As if the bacon were not salty enough.) I know it sounds weird but it was unbelievably delicious. Jocelyn picked a banana, peanut butter cookie. At least I think she picked it. I was so excited I may have picked it for her.
It was the perfect way to spend time before we could take our seats. I will definitely be returning there next time I am in the city. Until then I am going to try to find a recipe for the cookies. Anyone know where to buy candied bacon?
Friday, July 27, 2012
It was my Party.
July 27, 2012
So, as the song goes I did cry a little yesterday. Six months ago Annie told me I would feel better by my birthday and I did. I spent a very relaxing day at home and went out to dinner with some of my friends and my kids. Even blew out a candle. Ortwo. Dinner at Ludal's in North Haven was delicious. Good food, great bar and even better company. But it was bittersweet.
However it beat last years birthday in spite of the tornado warnings (how appropriate.) Last year my then husband could not even manage to get me a gift. He claimed he couldn't get to the store because he was recovering from shoulder surgery. As you will remember, from an injury he received in Montauk with the Big Shlokeh(arabic.) But he had no trouble driving to motels in Setauket in my car because it was an automatic. I drove his 12 year old standard to work everyday because I felt bad for him. Unbelievable. As my friend Mary is fond of saying there are worse things than being alone. After the emotional abuse I endured last year I would have to agree.
On a happier note I did enjoy an incredible ice cream pie from Wentworths. The crust was a peanut butter cookie filled with oreo ice cream. I didn't even know they had ice cream pies! And an update on my garden. Yesterday I picked three very small cherry tomatoes. They are green but I couldn't risk leaving them out there. While I was walking to the garden I spotted a very large wild turkey enjoying my produce. As Hilary says, "They have to eat too, Mom."
So, as the song goes I did cry a little yesterday. Six months ago Annie told me I would feel better by my birthday and I did. I spent a very relaxing day at home and went out to dinner with some of my friends and my kids. Even blew out a candle. Ortwo. Dinner at Ludal's in North Haven was delicious. Good food, great bar and even better company. But it was bittersweet.
However it beat last years birthday in spite of the tornado warnings (how appropriate.) Last year my then husband could not even manage to get me a gift. He claimed he couldn't get to the store because he was recovering from shoulder surgery. As you will remember, from an injury he received in Montauk with the Big Shlokeh(arabic.) But he had no trouble driving to motels in Setauket in my car because it was an automatic. I drove his 12 year old standard to work everyday because I felt bad for him. Unbelievable. As my friend Mary is fond of saying there are worse things than being alone. After the emotional abuse I endured last year I would have to agree.
On a happier note I did enjoy an incredible ice cream pie from Wentworths. The crust was a peanut butter cookie filled with oreo ice cream. I didn't even know they had ice cream pies! And an update on my garden. Yesterday I picked three very small cherry tomatoes. They are green but I couldn't risk leaving them out there. While I was walking to the garden I spotted a very large wild turkey enjoying my produce. As Hilary says, "They have to eat too, Mom."
Thursday, July 26, 2012
It's My Party
July 26, 2012
Questions
1. After you met and had sex in a motel room at lunchtime how did you face your respective
partners that evening?
2. How many dinners out did it take before she decided she wasn't a lesbian after 50 years?
3. Did you ever feel sickened by your actions?
4. How did you face the motel desk clerks? Did they get to know you?
5. How can you face your children?
6. Did you feel any remorse going to my favorite play and one of "our" restaurants while I was in
Columbia caring for sick children?
7. Who left the KY jelly under my bed in Manhattan, assuring that I would find it?
8. Do either one of you look in the mirror before leaving the house in the morning?
These are, of course, purely rhetorical questions. I don't expect that I will get an answer. Because there are no honest answers. Only justifications. Honest people just don't act like that. But I figured I deserved a little self-pity on my birthday. I was only going to give myself an hour or so to wallow but considering the pouring rain and the fact that I can't go to the beach I might have to take most of the morning!
Questions
1. After you met and had sex in a motel room at lunchtime how did you face your respective
partners that evening?
2. How many dinners out did it take before she decided she wasn't a lesbian after 50 years?
3. Did you ever feel sickened by your actions?
4. How did you face the motel desk clerks? Did they get to know you?
5. How can you face your children?
6. Did you feel any remorse going to my favorite play and one of "our" restaurants while I was in
Columbia caring for sick children?
7. Who left the KY jelly under my bed in Manhattan, assuring that I would find it?
8. Do either one of you look in the mirror before leaving the house in the morning?
These are, of course, purely rhetorical questions. I don't expect that I will get an answer. Because there are no honest answers. Only justifications. Honest people just don't act like that. But I figured I deserved a little self-pity on my birthday. I was only going to give myself an hour or so to wallow but considering the pouring rain and the fact that I can't go to the beach I might have to take most of the morning!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
My Secret Garden
July 24, 2012
Before anyone thinks this is an X rated blog, calm down. I'm really going to talk about my vegetable and herb garden. As you can tell I love to cook and eat good food. I delight in going out to my deck and picking basil and parsley to put in my food. And there is nothing like tomatoes from your own garden.
For many years Dave planted a garden on the side of our house. All enthusiastic in the beginning. Planting not only tomatoes but eggplant, peppers, lettuce and squash. But as the summer went on he became less enthusiastic about keeping the garden maintained. And I learned he silently resented my "nagging" about weeding and watering. Funny, the things you learn when your husband has taken to sleeping with a tramp.
I never enjoyed yard work. But this year I was determined to have a garden. I hired someone to till for me. I planted tomatoes, peppers and eggplant. I watered and staked. And the deer, the rabbits and whatever is living under my shed (and the two babies it has had) have eaten everything! The squirrels have been eating all my bird seed. My daughter says they have a right to eat too. I have finally given up on the garden. But I am still determined to get the best of the squirrels. Maybe a BB gun? Just kidding!!!
I have been buying tomatoes at Hindinger's farm and have put pots with herbs on my deck. I have beautiful basil and sage but the parsley has bitten the dust. I love the flowers I have planted all around the house. I'm thinking next year I'll just plant herbs and flowers and buy the vegetables at a farm stand. You have to learn when to say enough is enough.
Before anyone thinks this is an X rated blog, calm down. I'm really going to talk about my vegetable and herb garden. As you can tell I love to cook and eat good food. I delight in going out to my deck and picking basil and parsley to put in my food. And there is nothing like tomatoes from your own garden.
For many years Dave planted a garden on the side of our house. All enthusiastic in the beginning. Planting not only tomatoes but eggplant, peppers, lettuce and squash. But as the summer went on he became less enthusiastic about keeping the garden maintained. And I learned he silently resented my "nagging" about weeding and watering. Funny, the things you learn when your husband has taken to sleeping with a tramp.
I never enjoyed yard work. But this year I was determined to have a garden. I hired someone to till for me. I planted tomatoes, peppers and eggplant. I watered and staked. And the deer, the rabbits and whatever is living under my shed (and the two babies it has had) have eaten everything! The squirrels have been eating all my bird seed. My daughter says they have a right to eat too. I have finally given up on the garden. But I am still determined to get the best of the squirrels. Maybe a BB gun? Just kidding!!!
I have been buying tomatoes at Hindinger's farm and have put pots with herbs on my deck. I have beautiful basil and sage but the parsley has bitten the dust. I love the flowers I have planted all around the house. I'm thinking next year I'll just plant herbs and flowers and buy the vegetables at a farm stand. You have to learn when to say enough is enough.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Another Top Ten
July 23, 2012
Top Ten Best Things About Being Divorced
10. No sex.
9. Reading in bed. ( Without listening to sighing )
8. Sleeping with Tony. ( Soprano. I've been watching the show for the first time. Makes me want to
be a mob wife!)
7. Not hearing "What are we doing about lunch?"
6. Sitting on the beach without feeling guilty.
5. Not having the TV on 24/7.
4. Not having to pretend I'm interested in politics.
3. Being content in my home.
2. Realizing how special my friends and family are to me.
1. Getting closer to my children than ever before. Whether they want to or not!
I promise this will be the last list for awhile!
Top Ten Best Things About Being Divorced
10. No sex.
9. Reading in bed. ( Without listening to sighing )
8. Sleeping with Tony. ( Soprano. I've been watching the show for the first time. Makes me want to
be a mob wife!)
7. Not hearing "What are we doing about lunch?"
6. Sitting on the beach without feeling guilty.
5. Not having the TV on 24/7.
4. Not having to pretend I'm interested in politics.
3. Being content in my home.
2. Realizing how special my friends and family are to me.
1. Getting closer to my children than ever before. Whether they want to or not!
I promise this will be the last list for awhile!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
My Top Ten List
July 22, 2012
The Top Ten Worst Things About Being Divorced
10. Cleaning the litter box.
9. Taking out the trash.
8. Driving yourself EVERYWHERE.
7. Looking at everyone's ring finger ( men and women alike) to see if they are married.
6. Checking the divorced box when filling out forms.
5. Saying, "I'm divorced," when someone asks if you are married.
4. No one to get you chicken soup when you are sick.
3. Eating alone.
2. Sleeping alone.
1. No sex.
The Top Ten Worst Things About Being Divorced
10. Cleaning the litter box.
9. Taking out the trash.
8. Driving yourself EVERYWHERE.
7. Looking at everyone's ring finger ( men and women alike) to see if they are married.
6. Checking the divorced box when filling out forms.
5. Saying, "I'm divorced," when someone asks if you are married.
4. No one to get you chicken soup when you are sick.
3. Eating alone.
2. Sleeping alone.
1. No sex.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
To Do List
July 19, 2012
Early on, when I was really sad, confused and panicked about my future I met my friend Annemarie at Sage for a drink. Yes, talking over drinks has helped me a lot. So has Sage. It is on the water, has good food and drinks, and a parking lot! In the summer you can sit outside on the deck and pretend you are on vacation.
She was one of the first people to come to my rescue. We talked about the emotions you endure going through a divorce. She was divorced many years ago and like I said divorced friends have the real perspective on what you are going through. All of them have said it gets better but not one of them said" you'll meet someone else." Especially after being wounded by the person you spent your life with and trusted more than anyone in the world.
But this was a practical Happy Hour. She had a list for me. Practical advice about the house and finances. Things I never gave a thought to checking. The furnace, the chimney, the vents and the air conditioning. Check the windows. Look at the lawn and decide what needs to be done. Does the house need to be painted or have a new roof? How old are your appliances? I was astounded and overwhelmed at the same time. But I took that list home and did almost everything suggested and more.
I replaced the broken shades in my bedroom, got new windows, fixed the handle on the dishwasher and had everything else checked and serviced. After all, I would be alone now and responsible for making sure things worked. If I needed to have work done I would be the one to take the day off and arrange the appointments.
I would never have thought of those things in the state I was in emotionally. But they are done now. I am grateful that I do not have to worry about them. And I'm very glad I did them while I still had use of the joint credit cards.
Early on, when I was really sad, confused and panicked about my future I met my friend Annemarie at Sage for a drink. Yes, talking over drinks has helped me a lot. So has Sage. It is on the water, has good food and drinks, and a parking lot! In the summer you can sit outside on the deck and pretend you are on vacation.
She was one of the first people to come to my rescue. We talked about the emotions you endure going through a divorce. She was divorced many years ago and like I said divorced friends have the real perspective on what you are going through. All of them have said it gets better but not one of them said" you'll meet someone else." Especially after being wounded by the person you spent your life with and trusted more than anyone in the world.
But this was a practical Happy Hour. She had a list for me. Practical advice about the house and finances. Things I never gave a thought to checking. The furnace, the chimney, the vents and the air conditioning. Check the windows. Look at the lawn and decide what needs to be done. Does the house need to be painted or have a new roof? How old are your appliances? I was astounded and overwhelmed at the same time. But I took that list home and did almost everything suggested and more.
I replaced the broken shades in my bedroom, got new windows, fixed the handle on the dishwasher and had everything else checked and serviced. After all, I would be alone now and responsible for making sure things worked. If I needed to have work done I would be the one to take the day off and arrange the appointments.
I would never have thought of those things in the state I was in emotionally. But they are done now. I am grateful that I do not have to worry about them. And I'm very glad I did them while I still had use of the joint credit cards.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
"Your lifestyle won't change"
July 18, 2012
"Your lifestyle won't change," he said as he walked out the door. I got the house and the car and alimony. But my lifestyle has changed drastically.
Last week I got called into work at midnight. As I was driving home through the streets of New Haven at 3 AM I realized no one knew where I was. No one was concerned about my safety or waiting for me to come home. But my lifestyle hasn't changed.
My life revolved around him. I would try to go out with friends only on the nights he was on call. I never took a vacation without him. I asked him before planning any event with any of our friends. I hardly ever drove home at night by myself. Now that is the norm. Now I am in the car alone for every social event I attend. But my lifestyle hasn't changed.
For thirty years I slept curled up next to him. Now I go to bed alone and curl up with the pillows. I arrange them so I can be on my left side just like I have been for years. But my lifestyle hasn't changed.
Whenever we had family events we were always a unit. All four of us, my mother and sister and now Jocelyn also, celebrated every holiday and special occasion together. The last several holidays found us not only without my mom and sister but also without my husband. But my lifestyle hasn't changed.
The kids never worried about me before. Now I know they are concerned for my well being and my future. I never wanted that for them. But my lifestyle hasn't changed
"You're getting everything," he said. Really?
"Your lifestyle won't change," he said as he walked out the door. I got the house and the car and alimony. But my lifestyle has changed drastically.
Last week I got called into work at midnight. As I was driving home through the streets of New Haven at 3 AM I realized no one knew where I was. No one was concerned about my safety or waiting for me to come home. But my lifestyle hasn't changed.
My life revolved around him. I would try to go out with friends only on the nights he was on call. I never took a vacation without him. I asked him before planning any event with any of our friends. I hardly ever drove home at night by myself. Now that is the norm. Now I am in the car alone for every social event I attend. But my lifestyle hasn't changed.
For thirty years I slept curled up next to him. Now I go to bed alone and curl up with the pillows. I arrange them so I can be on my left side just like I have been for years. But my lifestyle hasn't changed.
Whenever we had family events we were always a unit. All four of us, my mother and sister and now Jocelyn also, celebrated every holiday and special occasion together. The last several holidays found us not only without my mom and sister but also without my husband. But my lifestyle hasn't changed.
The kids never worried about me before. Now I know they are concerned for my well being and my future. I never wanted that for them. But my lifestyle hasn't changed
"You're getting everything," he said. Really?
Monday, July 16, 2012
soft shell crabs
July 16, 2012
I have to tell my soft shell crab story before the season is over. The difficult thing about divorce after so many years together is that ALL my memories are tied up with HIM. I was 17 when we met. I had literally spent almost my whole life with him. Someone told me I would make new meemories. And I know I will. But it will never be the same.
But lets talk about fish. No, this is not going where you think it's going. I'm not going to talk about the Big W. I am really planning to talk about fish. The kind that swim in the ocean.
Every year I wait for soft shell crab season, which usually begins in late April or early May. I have been known to call restaurants before going there to make sure they have them available. Whenever they are on the menu that is what I order. We often prepared them at home. They are easy to cook either on the grill or sauteed. Their arrival always signaled the beginning of summer.
A few months ago I was in ShopRite buying groceries. I passed the fish counter and saw them in the case. Beautiful soft shell crabs. I immediately started crying. Right there in front of the fish guy. Should I buy two of them. How sad. Two lonely crabs. My daughter is a vegetarian. She would never eat soft shell crabs. I'll never have them again! I didn't buy them that day. I spent the rest of the time trying not to scare people in the store with my blubbering. I felt like I owed them an explanation for my behavior. Finally I paid for my groceries and went home. Spent the rest of the day mourning all the things I would never do because I was getting divorced.
Two days later I went out to dinner. Guess what was on the menu? Gorgeous fried soft shell crabs!
I have to tell my soft shell crab story before the season is over. The difficult thing about divorce after so many years together is that ALL my memories are tied up with HIM. I was 17 when we met. I had literally spent almost my whole life with him. Someone told me I would make new meemories. And I know I will. But it will never be the same.
But lets talk about fish. No, this is not going where you think it's going. I'm not going to talk about the Big W. I am really planning to talk about fish. The kind that swim in the ocean.
Every year I wait for soft shell crab season, which usually begins in late April or early May. I have been known to call restaurants before going there to make sure they have them available. Whenever they are on the menu that is what I order. We often prepared them at home. They are easy to cook either on the grill or sauteed. Their arrival always signaled the beginning of summer.
A few months ago I was in ShopRite buying groceries. I passed the fish counter and saw them in the case. Beautiful soft shell crabs. I immediately started crying. Right there in front of the fish guy. Should I buy two of them. How sad. Two lonely crabs. My daughter is a vegetarian. She would never eat soft shell crabs. I'll never have them again! I didn't buy them that day. I spent the rest of the time trying not to scare people in the store with my blubbering. I felt like I owed them an explanation for my behavior. Finally I paid for my groceries and went home. Spent the rest of the day mourning all the things I would never do because I was getting divorced.
Two days later I went out to dinner. Guess what was on the menu? Gorgeous fried soft shell crabs!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Youswear.com
July 15, 2012
Did you know there is a web site called Youswear.com? Unless you are a woman who has been cheated on I bet you have never heard of this site. Only a woman who has been wronged would google, " how to say whore in any language." There are more languages than I ever imagined and each one of them has a word that means " a promiscuous woman" or "one who debases oneself by doing something for unworthy motives." So I guess these woman exist in all societies.
As a woman I find it almost impossible to imagine myself being the cause of so much hurt and pain to another woman. And I especially could not imagine hurting any of the children involved no matter what their age. I imagine women without children don't think like those of us who are mothers. Or maybe that is again, another naive thought on my part. I'm sure there are women who can leave their children for another man just as there are men who can destroy their family. Another naive notion of mine was that lesbians are more in tune and sympathetic to other women. That was certainly not true in this case. Oh, but I forgot, she's not a lesbian anymore.
I personally would not miss five minutes of my children's lives ( another thing that was wrong with me ) to be with any man. OK, maybe five minutes for George Clooney. But it would have to be at his house on Lake Como. And I'm only giving up, did I say five minutes? Well, maybe five hours. I'm sure they could get along without me for that long. And it would have to include lunch or dinner. I'm sure even George couldn't last for five hours! If the weather was good I'm sure I could stretch it to five days! But I digress.
"I'm divorcing you not the kids." One of my favorite psychobabble lines of all time. Has every divorced man alive uttered those words? So much BS. You are divorcing all of us. Maybe not in the same way but in a much bigger way. You are changing your children's' perception of their lives and their memories. You are not a part of their celebrations or sorrows. Nothing between you will ever be as good as it was again. No matter how much you try to make up to them you have altered their impression of you as a person.
So check out that web site if you have run out of ways to describe the whore. Try kurvur or peyser. Or my mother's favorite, puttana.
Did you know there is a web site called Youswear.com? Unless you are a woman who has been cheated on I bet you have never heard of this site. Only a woman who has been wronged would google, " how to say whore in any language." There are more languages than I ever imagined and each one of them has a word that means " a promiscuous woman" or "one who debases oneself by doing something for unworthy motives." So I guess these woman exist in all societies.
As a woman I find it almost impossible to imagine myself being the cause of so much hurt and pain to another woman. And I especially could not imagine hurting any of the children involved no matter what their age. I imagine women without children don't think like those of us who are mothers. Or maybe that is again, another naive thought on my part. I'm sure there are women who can leave their children for another man just as there are men who can destroy their family. Another naive notion of mine was that lesbians are more in tune and sympathetic to other women. That was certainly not true in this case. Oh, but I forgot, she's not a lesbian anymore.
I personally would not miss five minutes of my children's lives ( another thing that was wrong with me ) to be with any man. OK, maybe five minutes for George Clooney. But it would have to be at his house on Lake Como. And I'm only giving up, did I say five minutes? Well, maybe five hours. I'm sure they could get along without me for that long. And it would have to include lunch or dinner. I'm sure even George couldn't last for five hours! If the weather was good I'm sure I could stretch it to five days! But I digress.
"I'm divorcing you not the kids." One of my favorite psychobabble lines of all time. Has every divorced man alive uttered those words? So much BS. You are divorcing all of us. Maybe not in the same way but in a much bigger way. You are changing your children's' perception of their lives and their memories. You are not a part of their celebrations or sorrows. Nothing between you will ever be as good as it was again. No matter how much you try to make up to them you have altered their impression of you as a person.
So check out that web site if you have run out of ways to describe the whore. Try kurvur or peyser. Or my mother's favorite, puttana.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Psychobabble
July13, 2012
Friday the 13th! I'm not really superstitious but I forgot about this being the 13th until I saw it mentioned on TV this morning. I guess there is really not much left that can scare me. Except maybe therapists.
I am a big proponent of going to therapy. I think the right therapist will help you sort through your emotions and lead you to make good decisions for yourself. But there are therapists and then there are therapists. You have to decide who is right for you and your situation. If you are considering therapy don't be afraid to interview more than one person. It will make a crucial difference in the outcome. And above all DO NOT go for marriage counseling with the same therapist that has been seeing your husband individually. I don't care how unbiased they claim to be they already have an opinion of you just through talking to your spouse.
When my ex started therapy three years ago ( after the " I knew it would hurt you " comment) he went to a woman therapist (naturally) in New Haven. After several sessions he asked me to accompany him. He told me, "Barbara has some trust building exercises for us to try. I think it will be good for us." Her office was in a building on Church Street that had a guard at the entrance. We had to tell her where we were going. Why? I felt like I had a scarlet letter on my chest. What happened to HIPPA?
Anyway, after that I sat in the office for 50 minutes and listened to Dave talk about everything that was wrong with me and our marriage. And I did that for every visit. Thirty years of things I didn't even remember half the time. When I tried to talk about my mother's recent death Barbara said, "We're talking about the past now." Session after session I sat there and watched my husband with that "poor me" expression on his face. I heard about every indiscretion I had ever made. From big things like " You didn't say you loved me" to ridiculous things like " I didn't like the wallpaper you picked for the hall." There were no trust building exercises. At the end of each battering session Barbara would say "Play nice!" I didn't need to spend $300 a session for that advice. She told Dave that I did not seem interested in saving our marriage. I wonder how she knew that since I was never really allowed to express my feelings.
Last year we found another female therapist to see. Actually Dave found her. He was already making plans to leave so I wonder now as to the reason. I'm sure he was just hedging his bets. If the Big W didn't leave her partner I guess being with me was better than being alone. But this person actually had some positive suggestions for us. Things that I thought were helping. I felt confident we would weather this together. But I didn't know the level of the deception that was occurring behind my back.
I am still seeing the same therapist we went to as a couple. It helps put things in perspective and keeps me on track. I urge anyone who may be going through something like this to do the same. Find someone you trust. And don't hesitate to shop around.
Friday the 13th! I'm not really superstitious but I forgot about this being the 13th until I saw it mentioned on TV this morning. I guess there is really not much left that can scare me. Except maybe therapists.
I am a big proponent of going to therapy. I think the right therapist will help you sort through your emotions and lead you to make good decisions for yourself. But there are therapists and then there are therapists. You have to decide who is right for you and your situation. If you are considering therapy don't be afraid to interview more than one person. It will make a crucial difference in the outcome. And above all DO NOT go for marriage counseling with the same therapist that has been seeing your husband individually. I don't care how unbiased they claim to be they already have an opinion of you just through talking to your spouse.
When my ex started therapy three years ago ( after the " I knew it would hurt you " comment) he went to a woman therapist (naturally) in New Haven. After several sessions he asked me to accompany him. He told me, "Barbara has some trust building exercises for us to try. I think it will be good for us." Her office was in a building on Church Street that had a guard at the entrance. We had to tell her where we were going. Why? I felt like I had a scarlet letter on my chest. What happened to HIPPA?
Anyway, after that I sat in the office for 50 minutes and listened to Dave talk about everything that was wrong with me and our marriage. And I did that for every visit. Thirty years of things I didn't even remember half the time. When I tried to talk about my mother's recent death Barbara said, "We're talking about the past now." Session after session I sat there and watched my husband with that "poor me" expression on his face. I heard about every indiscretion I had ever made. From big things like " You didn't say you loved me" to ridiculous things like " I didn't like the wallpaper you picked for the hall." There were no trust building exercises. At the end of each battering session Barbara would say "Play nice!" I didn't need to spend $300 a session for that advice. She told Dave that I did not seem interested in saving our marriage. I wonder how she knew that since I was never really allowed to express my feelings.
Last year we found another female therapist to see. Actually Dave found her. He was already making plans to leave so I wonder now as to the reason. I'm sure he was just hedging his bets. If the Big W didn't leave her partner I guess being with me was better than being alone. But this person actually had some positive suggestions for us. Things that I thought were helping. I felt confident we would weather this together. But I didn't know the level of the deception that was occurring behind my back.
I am still seeing the same therapist we went to as a couple. It helps put things in perspective and keeps me on track. I urge anyone who may be going through something like this to do the same. Find someone you trust. And don't hesitate to shop around.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
More Ice Cream
July 12, 2012
Enough self pity for awhile. This will be all about ice cream! And that beats self pity any day. Not to say those days are over. I know better than that. I still have my birthday and anniversary to get through. But ice cream will be there for those days too.
Last week Hilary and I tried Pralines in Wallingford. I had been by that area many times and did not know there was an ice cream shop on Route 5 in a little strip mall. It's a cute place with a party room in the back. I had Reeses peanut butter cup and Hilary had cookie dough. We rated it at a 7.0. It was creamy, no ice ( Josh's criteria! ) but just ok.
Yesterday to commemorate the non birthday day Hilary and I went out to Frankies Diner in Bridgeport for a quick lunch. I don't really know the area but we were headed to Timothy's for ice cream.
Timothy's is in the Black Rock section of Bridgeport. It has a country store decor and tables inside to enjoy your selection. Again, good ice cream but nothing very special. I had the Black Rock, french vanilla with chocolate-covered almonds and Hilary had sweet cream. Another 7.0. Good but not something I would drive back there to get in the future.
Wentworths and Walnut Beach Creamery are still our favorites. I'm sure there are many who do not agree with our ratings. This is truly an arbitrary system. Not something to seriously consider on your own ice cream adventures!
Enough self pity for awhile. This will be all about ice cream! And that beats self pity any day. Not to say those days are over. I know better than that. I still have my birthday and anniversary to get through. But ice cream will be there for those days too.
Last week Hilary and I tried Pralines in Wallingford. I had been by that area many times and did not know there was an ice cream shop on Route 5 in a little strip mall. It's a cute place with a party room in the back. I had Reeses peanut butter cup and Hilary had cookie dough. We rated it at a 7.0. It was creamy, no ice ( Josh's criteria! ) but just ok.
Yesterday to commemorate the non birthday day Hilary and I went out to Frankies Diner in Bridgeport for a quick lunch. I don't really know the area but we were headed to Timothy's for ice cream.
Timothy's is in the Black Rock section of Bridgeport. It has a country store decor and tables inside to enjoy your selection. Again, good ice cream but nothing very special. I had the Black Rock, french vanilla with chocolate-covered almonds and Hilary had sweet cream. Another 7.0. Good but not something I would drive back there to get in the future.
Wentworths and Walnut Beach Creamery are still our favorites. I'm sure there are many who do not agree with our ratings. This is truly an arbitrary system. Not something to seriously consider on your own ice cream adventures!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Happy Birthday, Dave
July 11, 2012
Another difficult day. Today is my ex-husband's birthday. So hard to say, ex-husband. I can only suppose it will get easier with time, like all things.
Birthdays are very special days to me. When the kids were small I always made their bed on their birthday. It was the one chore I insisted they do before they left for school or camp ( couldn't stand an unmade bed ) but on their birthday I would do it for them. I would always cook their favorite dinner or let them pick their favorite restaurant and invariably we would have ice cream cake for dessert. We always sang Happy Birthday and had candles and wishes. I did the same for Dave.
This year is the first year I do not have a celebration planned for July 11th. I can remember last year at this time waiting by the phone for him to call or come home. I left the outside lights on for three nights hoping he would return. His presents were wrapped and waiting. And he did eventually return home. With a broken shoulder from "body surfing with the guys." So is she the guy or the girl? I still haven't figured that part out yet.
So, today was just like any other day. Hilary and I went out to lunch, saw a movie and tried another ice cream place. There will be no singing Happy Birthday. Josh and Jocelyn will not be here to join us for a special dinner and there will be no presents to open. I guess that will be part of my new memories. July 11 will be just another day of the week.
Another difficult day. Today is my ex-husband's birthday. So hard to say, ex-husband. I can only suppose it will get easier with time, like all things.
Birthdays are very special days to me. When the kids were small I always made their bed on their birthday. It was the one chore I insisted they do before they left for school or camp ( couldn't stand an unmade bed ) but on their birthday I would do it for them. I would always cook their favorite dinner or let them pick their favorite restaurant and invariably we would have ice cream cake for dessert. We always sang Happy Birthday and had candles and wishes. I did the same for Dave.
This year is the first year I do not have a celebration planned for July 11th. I can remember last year at this time waiting by the phone for him to call or come home. I left the outside lights on for three nights hoping he would return. His presents were wrapped and waiting. And he did eventually return home. With a broken shoulder from "body surfing with the guys." So is she the guy or the girl? I still haven't figured that part out yet.
So, today was just like any other day. Hilary and I went out to lunch, saw a movie and tried another ice cream place. There will be no singing Happy Birthday. Josh and Jocelyn will not be here to join us for a special dinner and there will be no presents to open. I guess that will be part of my new memories. July 11 will be just another day of the week.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
My Top Ten List
July 10, 2012
Top Ten Worst Things About Being Cheated On
10. Wondering if it happened in your home.
9. Wondering if it happened in your bed.
8. Finding bills for hotels you did not stay at on your credit card.
7. Worrying about STDs.
6. Trying to figure out how you were so clueless.
5. Questioning your faith in mankind.
4. Feeling rejected.
3. Having to tell your friends.
2. Having to tell your relatives.
1. Having to tell your children.
Top Ten Worst Things About Being Cheated On
10. Wondering if it happened in your home.
9. Wondering if it happened in your bed.
8. Finding bills for hotels you did not stay at on your credit card.
7. Worrying about STDs.
6. Trying to figure out how you were so clueless.
5. Questioning your faith in mankind.
4. Feeling rejected.
3. Having to tell your friends.
2. Having to tell your relatives.
1. Having to tell your children.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Marital Funds
July 9, 2012
One of my favorite places to shop used to be Super Walmart. Marshalls and TJ Maxx were my other favorites. I never bought anything unless it came from one of those stores or was on sale. No matter how much I wanted it. I shopped for bargains all the time.
So you can imagine my outrage when I realized my husband was supporting The "Big W" using marital funds. Another term I had never heard before going through divorce mediation. See what a learning experience this has been!
I already shared my obsessive monitoring of the credit cards and bank account. When I heard she couldn't find a place to live I realized he was moving to Long Island to support her. Why else leave our hospital subsidized apartment in Manhattan that was next door to his job? I found charges and checks from our joint accounts paying for rent, utilities, groceries, liquor, furniture and entertainment. When I angrily called him on it he responded, " I get to live, too." Yes, but does SHE also get to live off my hard work? He claimed she was paying for things. Like what? One day he even called and told me "they" were looking for an end table! Imagine him thinking that was an appropriate comment to share with his heart broken wife.
Be aware, ladies. Scrimping and saving will not do a thing for you when negotiating for alimony. Just like adultery, no one will care. I was told I did that willingly. And I did. But I did it so WE would be able to retire early and enjoy life together. Not so he could spend it supporting a confused "former" lesbian. I lived with broken shades in our bedroom, drove an old car, and always settled for second best. All in the spirit that we were a team, working toward a common goal. I never even had an engagement ring because we couldn't afford one when we got married.
Well, live and learn. I am more apt to treat myself. I recently purchased my first Coach purse with my OWN credit card. Ok, so I bought it from the outlet store and it was on sale, but still!
One of my favorite places to shop used to be Super Walmart. Marshalls and TJ Maxx were my other favorites. I never bought anything unless it came from one of those stores or was on sale. No matter how much I wanted it. I shopped for bargains all the time.
So you can imagine my outrage when I realized my husband was supporting The "Big W" using marital funds. Another term I had never heard before going through divorce mediation. See what a learning experience this has been!
I already shared my obsessive monitoring of the credit cards and bank account. When I heard she couldn't find a place to live I realized he was moving to Long Island to support her. Why else leave our hospital subsidized apartment in Manhattan that was next door to his job? I found charges and checks from our joint accounts paying for rent, utilities, groceries, liquor, furniture and entertainment. When I angrily called him on it he responded, " I get to live, too." Yes, but does SHE also get to live off my hard work? He claimed she was paying for things. Like what? One day he even called and told me "they" were looking for an end table! Imagine him thinking that was an appropriate comment to share with his heart broken wife.
Be aware, ladies. Scrimping and saving will not do a thing for you when negotiating for alimony. Just like adultery, no one will care. I was told I did that willingly. And I did. But I did it so WE would be able to retire early and enjoy life together. Not so he could spend it supporting a confused "former" lesbian. I lived with broken shades in our bedroom, drove an old car, and always settled for second best. All in the spirit that we were a team, working toward a common goal. I never even had an engagement ring because we couldn't afford one when we got married.
Well, live and learn. I am more apt to treat myself. I recently purchased my first Coach purse with my OWN credit card. Ok, so I bought it from the outlet store and it was on sale, but still!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Guest Blog: Walnut Beach Creamery, a revised opinion
Guest blog by Josh Graboff, "the son," and author of the book of short stories Amalric Ogusson and the Fimbul Queen.
I went to Walnut Beach Creamery on my mother's advice. I can't believe she rated it so lowly in comparison to the other ice cream shops in the state! Jocelyn and I went together on our way back to New Jersey. The little community out there on the beach is quaint and well-maintained. The Sound actually looked attractive from the beach, and there are a number of little shops and restaurants right within walking distance.
Already, this is a step up from Wentworth's which, until we went to Walnut Beach, had been the standard by which we judged all other ice-cream. Wentworth's is on a busy highway and not really within walking distance of anything except a church, a masonic lodge, and a graveyard. There certainly aren't any little cottages on their own plots nearby.
So, when we got inside and discovered there were an amazing number of strange and delicious flavors (the lavender-fig was just the beginning of the list: I had Sandman, a peanut-butter ice-cream with chocolate covered graham crackers interspersed through it and Jocelyn had some lavender-fig and some carrot cake) that was just a bonus on top of the area.
The ice cream was creamy, there was no ice (as my mother has already made clear, ice in ice-cream is a major faux-paus. It is, essentially, the worst thing that can be done to the food), the flavors were varied, creative, and delicious. However, the real star of the show was none of those things. It wasn't even the beautiful area. It was, in fact, the pretzel cones that were hand-made and hand-shaped.
The salt on the cone elevated the ice-cream to a whole new realm. It was more delicious than I can begin to describe, and yet it remained crunchy throughout and was absolutely the best once the ice-cream above the level of the cone was gone.
I rebut my mother's review; indeed, I believe that Walnut Beach Creamery is the best ice-cream in the state and easily among the best ice-cream I've ever had anywhere. I can easily say, with no qualms and no reservations at all, that Walnut Beach Creamery is in fact, a solid and unabashed 10.
I went to Walnut Beach Creamery on my mother's advice. I can't believe she rated it so lowly in comparison to the other ice cream shops in the state! Jocelyn and I went together on our way back to New Jersey. The little community out there on the beach is quaint and well-maintained. The Sound actually looked attractive from the beach, and there are a number of little shops and restaurants right within walking distance.
Already, this is a step up from Wentworth's which, until we went to Walnut Beach, had been the standard by which we judged all other ice-cream. Wentworth's is on a busy highway and not really within walking distance of anything except a church, a masonic lodge, and a graveyard. There certainly aren't any little cottages on their own plots nearby.
So, when we got inside and discovered there were an amazing number of strange and delicious flavors (the lavender-fig was just the beginning of the list: I had Sandman, a peanut-butter ice-cream with chocolate covered graham crackers interspersed through it and Jocelyn had some lavender-fig and some carrot cake) that was just a bonus on top of the area.
The ice cream was creamy, there was no ice (as my mother has already made clear, ice in ice-cream is a major faux-paus. It is, essentially, the worst thing that can be done to the food), the flavors were varied, creative, and delicious. However, the real star of the show was none of those things. It wasn't even the beautiful area. It was, in fact, the pretzel cones that were hand-made and hand-shaped.
The salt on the cone elevated the ice-cream to a whole new realm. It was more delicious than I can begin to describe, and yet it remained crunchy throughout and was absolutely the best once the ice-cream above the level of the cone was gone.
I rebut my mother's review; indeed, I believe that Walnut Beach Creamery is the best ice-cream in the state and easily among the best ice-cream I've ever had anywhere. I can easily say, with no qualms and no reservations at all, that Walnut Beach Creamery is in fact, a solid and unabashed 10.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Fireworks
I am on vacation this week. This is the week I chose last September with my then-husband. For the past several years we had been going to the fireworks in Manhattan. Bringing chairs and a picnic supper to sit on the West Side Highway (which is closed) and waiting for the Macy's fireworks to start. It was going to be a new tradition for us. Or so I thought.
I have always loved fireworks. We went almost every year to the Hamden fireworks display. I still remember the first year we went. The kids were small and we went early to listen to the music and of course, to eat. I didn't think the display could rival those I grew up with in New Haven or West Haven. How could you have fireworks that were not on the beach? But they were awesome! I was so excited! It seemed as though we were right underneath them. I was very vocal in my appreciation much to my kids' dismay. We went every year after that until they were too big to come with us. Then we went alone. I remember once telling them that even when I am old and infirm I want one of them to take me to the fireworks every Fourth of July.
I forgot about the Hamden fireworks this year. Well, maybe I didn't forget but I didn't go. I almost drove there to watch from my car but I couldn't bring myself to even do that. Friends have called as each holiday passed. You have made it through your first Christmas, New Years, Easter. But this holiday is the one that hurts the most. I am a summer person and I love being outside on my beach chair, drinking wine and eating outdoors, maybe listening to music or waiting for the fireworks to start.
My friend Annie gave me a plant that we call the fireworks plant. I have it in a pot in front of my garage where I see it every time I go in and out of my house. It makes me smile every time I look at it. I think that is as close as I'll get to the fireworks this year.
I have always loved fireworks. We went almost every year to the Hamden fireworks display. I still remember the first year we went. The kids were small and we went early to listen to the music and of course, to eat. I didn't think the display could rival those I grew up with in New Haven or West Haven. How could you have fireworks that were not on the beach? But they were awesome! I was so excited! It seemed as though we were right underneath them. I was very vocal in my appreciation much to my kids' dismay. We went every year after that until they were too big to come with us. Then we went alone. I remember once telling them that even when I am old and infirm I want one of them to take me to the fireworks every Fourth of July.
I forgot about the Hamden fireworks this year. Well, maybe I didn't forget but I didn't go. I almost drove there to watch from my car but I couldn't bring myself to even do that. Friends have called as each holiday passed. You have made it through your first Christmas, New Years, Easter. But this holiday is the one that hurts the most. I am a summer person and I love being outside on my beach chair, drinking wine and eating outdoors, maybe listening to music or waiting for the fireworks to start.
My friend Annie gave me a plant that we call the fireworks plant. I have it in a pot in front of my garage where I see it every time I go in and out of my house. It makes me smile every time I look at it. I think that is as close as I'll get to the fireworks this year.
Monday, July 2, 2012
We all scream for ice cream
July is my favorite month. My birthday is in July. So is my son's and my mother's was also. My ex husband was born in July. Two of my very good friends have children with July birthdays. And my anniversary would have been July 31st. Is there a name for your wedding anniversary after you are divorced? Or do you start marking the anniversary of your divorce? Maybe June 22 will become my new anniversary.
The memories of last July have made me determined to make the most of this month. In January, Annie told me things would be better by my birthday. Not anywhere near totally better, but a little better. I didn't believe her then but I guess she was right. So today I want to write about something fun.
Last month Connecticut Magazine wrote an article about the best ice cream parlors in the state. I told Hilary I was going to visit all of them. Ice cream is my number one dessert. In fact I could go without dessert if not for ice cream. Wentworths, in Hamden, makes the best ice cream, in my opinion. So I have judged the others by them. Today Josh, Jocelyn and I went to Dr. Mikes in Bethel. We ate lunch at The Sycamore, an old fashioned diner with car hop service. We all had the Dagwood, a burger with all kinds of condiments, and their famous root beer in frosted mugs. Then off to my ice cream tasting.
Dr. Mikes is a tiny shop. You can not eat inside but they have benches outside. I had the chocolate lace, which is their best seller. It was delicious. Josh's coffee ice cream was flavorful but it had ice crystals. Jocelyn had a malted which was just ok. The selection of flavors was small so because of that and the icy texture of the coffee flavor we rated that a 7.5. Wentworths is to me a 9.5 (going on the theory that nothing is perfect).
A few weeks ago Hilary and I went to Walnut Beach Creamery. Their ice cream was great! Almost as good as Wentworths. In fact maybe as good. I will have to try it again to be sure! It was also a very tiny shop and I had my doubts when we arrived. But it was wonderful. The flavor selection was large and unusual. I had lavender fig in a pretzel cone. My daughter had cupcake. The pretzel cone alone is worth the trip back.
We have also tried A.C. Petersen in West Hartford. They are a full service restaurant serving breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you go there you have to try the frips. A cross between french fries and chips. They also had lots of flavors but we were not that impressed with the ice cream. Not enough to go back there again unless its for the frips. Rating 5.
The UCONN Dairy Bar was also very good. Not as good as Walnut Beach or Wentworths but we rated them an 8.5. The ice cream was rich and creamy but not many exotic flavors. There was lots of
room to eat inside or out and they also sold eggs and milk from their livestock.
As you can see I am eating again. Life does indeed go on. I can still find pleasure in an ice cream cone.
The memories of last July have made me determined to make the most of this month. In January, Annie told me things would be better by my birthday. Not anywhere near totally better, but a little better. I didn't believe her then but I guess she was right. So today I want to write about something fun.
Last month Connecticut Magazine wrote an article about the best ice cream parlors in the state. I told Hilary I was going to visit all of them. Ice cream is my number one dessert. In fact I could go without dessert if not for ice cream. Wentworths, in Hamden, makes the best ice cream, in my opinion. So I have judged the others by them. Today Josh, Jocelyn and I went to Dr. Mikes in Bethel. We ate lunch at The Sycamore, an old fashioned diner with car hop service. We all had the Dagwood, a burger with all kinds of condiments, and their famous root beer in frosted mugs. Then off to my ice cream tasting.
Dr. Mikes is a tiny shop. You can not eat inside but they have benches outside. I had the chocolate lace, which is their best seller. It was delicious. Josh's coffee ice cream was flavorful but it had ice crystals. Jocelyn had a malted which was just ok. The selection of flavors was small so because of that and the icy texture of the coffee flavor we rated that a 7.5. Wentworths is to me a 9.5 (going on the theory that nothing is perfect).
A few weeks ago Hilary and I went to Walnut Beach Creamery. Their ice cream was great! Almost as good as Wentworths. In fact maybe as good. I will have to try it again to be sure! It was also a very tiny shop and I had my doubts when we arrived. But it was wonderful. The flavor selection was large and unusual. I had lavender fig in a pretzel cone. My daughter had cupcake. The pretzel cone alone is worth the trip back.
We have also tried A.C. Petersen in West Hartford. They are a full service restaurant serving breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you go there you have to try the frips. A cross between french fries and chips. They also had lots of flavors but we were not that impressed with the ice cream. Not enough to go back there again unless its for the frips. Rating 5.
The UCONN Dairy Bar was also very good. Not as good as Walnut Beach or Wentworths but we rated them an 8.5. The ice cream was rich and creamy but not many exotic flavors. There was lots of
room to eat inside or out and they also sold eggs and milk from their livestock.
As you can see I am eating again. Life does indeed go on. I can still find pleasure in an ice cream cone.
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