Showing posts with label jennies sayings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jennies sayings. Show all posts
Monday, December 3, 2012
Christmas at the Beach
December 3, 2012
I used to love Christmas when I was young. The tree, the songs, Santa. But then I grew up. I had to BE Santa. The crowds, the shopping, the carols. The overheated stores. The anxiety of buying the perfect gift for everyone. The perfect tree (which we never had) the perfect outfit and the perfect dinner. Anyone who knows me knows I am NOT perfect. I don't even want to be perfect. It's boring. But I fell under the spell of holiday craziness.
On Christmas morning the kids would come down and open all their gifts. Their excitement would last for that day. Many of the highly anticipated gifts where not all that was expected. One year I looked around at all the "things" we had bought and I was disgusted by the excess. Children in third world countries were dying from lack of clean water and here we were spending hundreds of dollars on junk. (Reminds me of Jennie saying "Kids in China are starving. Finish your supper." No wonder I have a weight issue!) So I started to cut back on all the gift giving. Instead of buying "things" I tried to concentrate on spending time with my family and friends. Going out to dinner, for a drink or to the movies. NO GIFTS! This year my plan is to donate to Feed the Children. Of course I will not escape the gift giving altogether. I DO have a lot of people to thank this year.
But during all this time of cheer what I always wanted to do was spend Christmas at the beach. Dave and I had always planned to do that after the kids where grown and wouldn't miss us. I still yearn to spend Christmas somewhere warm someday. (Sorry, Margo) To be on the beach while everyone else is slaving over dinner and worrying if their gifts will be well received. Enjoying the sun and the sand. Reading a book and toasting Santa. Hilary and I went to Yankee Candle a few weeks ago. I bought a candle called Christmas at the Beach. I guess that's as close as I'll get this year.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Co-Habitation
October 10, 2012
On the day I got divorced the judge told me I was entitled to alimony until I remarried. He also said I could cohabit as long as I did not receive financial support from that person. Duh? ( As the kids say now) Why would I want to do THAT?
So I could answer to someone, wash their smelly socks and underwear, cook their meals and explain where I was going all the time? Ask their permission to go on a medical mission to Vietnam and then get told two years later that it was the "turning point" in our relationship. That was the point at which he "fell out of love" with me.
So if I never plan on getting married again (which I don't, in spite of what everyone thinks) why on earth would I want to cohabit? Isn't that just like being married without the license? Aren't you expected to be faithful, trustworthy and honest just like if you were married. Isn't someone waiting for you to have dinner with, spend free time with and vacation together? Are you allowed to seek out other partners or pretend you are single just because you are not legally wed? Why not just GET married? Because you are, for all intents and purposes, married. I suppose it makes it easier and cheaper to just walk away. I guess for the guy that is the perfect setup. But for the woman not so much. And as Jennie used to say to me all the time, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Monday, August 27, 2012
Full Circle
August 27, 2012
"He's four years older than you, Lucy, and his parents are divorced." That was Jennie, 39 years ago when I first started dating Dave. She didn't think he was right for me. AND he wasn't Italian or Catholic! "But Mom, I'm not marrying his family. We love each other. He would never hurt me." She did eventually grow to love him, maybe even more than she loved me sometimes! I miss her but am glad she is not here to see this.
Dave's mother, Shirley destroyed her family 30 years ago in much the same way he has done. She left her husband and children and moved in with another woman. Although as far as I can remember she never talked about being a lesbian she lived with Yvonne for the last 30 years of her life. And I'm the one who never talked about anything important. But that behavior fits in with the pattern of our marriage. Dave did his very best to avoid conflict of any kind. Until, of course he met his soul mate.
I can't help but compare how similar the two situations are to each other. Dave destroyed his family to live with a lesbian, or former lesbian or bisexual or whatever she's calling herself now. I'll just stick to calling her Bhalu (Nepali) to make it easier. I guess that word fits whatever your sexual orientation happens to be. One of my friends who has known us both for a very long time says, "he is climbing back into the womb." I'm not sure about that but maybe Barbara, his high priced therapist should have explored that instead of analyzing me in absentia.
Shirley recently died in Arizona, in a strange home without her loved ones around to care for her. The woman she left her family for didn't really take care of her in the end. "What goes around comes around." One of my mother's favorite sayings. You were right again, Mom. Only this time I didn't listen to you. But I have two wonderful children and what I thought of, until a few years ago, as a happy marriage. For that I have no regrets.
"He's four years older than you, Lucy, and his parents are divorced." That was Jennie, 39 years ago when I first started dating Dave. She didn't think he was right for me. AND he wasn't Italian or Catholic! "But Mom, I'm not marrying his family. We love each other. He would never hurt me." She did eventually grow to love him, maybe even more than she loved me sometimes! I miss her but am glad she is not here to see this.
Dave's mother, Shirley destroyed her family 30 years ago in much the same way he has done. She left her husband and children and moved in with another woman. Although as far as I can remember she never talked about being a lesbian she lived with Yvonne for the last 30 years of her life. And I'm the one who never talked about anything important. But that behavior fits in with the pattern of our marriage. Dave did his very best to avoid conflict of any kind. Until, of course he met his soul mate.
I can't help but compare how similar the two situations are to each other. Dave destroyed his family to live with a lesbian, or former lesbian or bisexual or whatever she's calling herself now. I'll just stick to calling her Bhalu (Nepali) to make it easier. I guess that word fits whatever your sexual orientation happens to be. One of my friends who has known us both for a very long time says, "he is climbing back into the womb." I'm not sure about that but maybe Barbara, his high priced therapist should have explored that instead of analyzing me in absentia.
Shirley recently died in Arizona, in a strange home without her loved ones around to care for her. The woman she left her family for didn't really take care of her in the end. "What goes around comes around." One of my mother's favorite sayings. You were right again, Mom. Only this time I didn't listen to you. But I have two wonderful children and what I thought of, until a few years ago, as a happy marriage. For that I have no regrets.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
We don't have to get divorced
August 8, 2012
Yes, that's what he said when he was leaving me the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Sunday morning was always special for me. I would get up before anyone else and start the coffee, read my email and throw in a load of laundry. Then I would get the newspapers. Dave would get up late ( he used to like to sleep late. That is, until he had to run to catch the Port Jeff ferry to be back before I returned from work.) He would get bagels because they "had to be fresh." That Sunday we were supposed to leave to spend a few days in Manhattan. He was acting skittish and I finally asked him what was wrong. " I don't love you enough. "
Wow. Nothing like that to bolster your self esteem. I was already feeling old and haggard. That was just the icing on the cake!" But we don't have to get divorced. We can still keep our bank account and I will continue to pay the bills from there." I wasn't sure I had heard him correctly. "So let me get this right," I asked." You will live somewhere else and sleep with someone else and I will stay here?" His response, " Well, I'm doing that now." Yes, thank-you for that.
I will admit I briefly considered that proposal. I didn't know how I could possible survive without his overseeing our financial affairs. Maybe if I didn't have a daughter to think about I would have even agreed. But she already saw me as weak and beaten and I didn't want to give her any more reason to continue with that sentiment. The next week I talked to a lawyer. What did Dave say to that? "I didn't think you would ask for alimony!!!"
Incredible, I know. What I want to know is, was the Kussi (Farsi) so desperate to have him that she would agree to such a setup. She would live with a married man and let him support her? But I guess she was doing that anyway. As Jennie would have said," She must have grown up in a barn."
Yes, that's what he said when he was leaving me the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Sunday morning was always special for me. I would get up before anyone else and start the coffee, read my email and throw in a load of laundry. Then I would get the newspapers. Dave would get up late ( he used to like to sleep late. That is, until he had to run to catch the Port Jeff ferry to be back before I returned from work.) He would get bagels because they "had to be fresh." That Sunday we were supposed to leave to spend a few days in Manhattan. He was acting skittish and I finally asked him what was wrong. " I don't love you enough. "
Wow. Nothing like that to bolster your self esteem. I was already feeling old and haggard. That was just the icing on the cake!" But we don't have to get divorced. We can still keep our bank account and I will continue to pay the bills from there." I wasn't sure I had heard him correctly. "So let me get this right," I asked." You will live somewhere else and sleep with someone else and I will stay here?" His response, " Well, I'm doing that now." Yes, thank-you for that.
I will admit I briefly considered that proposal. I didn't know how I could possible survive without his overseeing our financial affairs. Maybe if I didn't have a daughter to think about I would have even agreed. But she already saw me as weak and beaten and I didn't want to give her any more reason to continue with that sentiment. The next week I talked to a lawyer. What did Dave say to that? "I didn't think you would ask for alimony!!!"
Incredible, I know. What I want to know is, was the Kussi (Farsi) so desperate to have him that she would agree to such a setup. She would live with a married man and let him support her? But I guess she was doing that anyway. As Jennie would have said," She must have grown up in a barn."
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